Crystal Kotow-Sullivan
What I love about this truth is the Space Between. We don’t often consider the space between ourselves and our partner – or between ourselves and anyone for that matter. It seems empty.
Think about this … when you are dancing or making love, sitting across from one another at an intimate dinner, that space between is electric – full of energy and love.
This is sacred space. What we bring into that space between can make or break a relationship.
I have learned to clear this space between so it is safe for both John and I to have a conversation, to laugh, to enjoy the moment, to just “be” … without anxiety or fear of attack (attack can be sarcasm, blame, rolling of eyes – anything that diminishes the other).
I have found that when I clear the space between by setting aside my upset somewhere outside that space, I am more available for John, and I am also less of a hailstorm in our dialogue.
The sacred space is healing space. It draws us closer when it is clear and safe. It also keeps me in the moment rather than in the past or future and consequently being consciously in the Space Between actually takes the charge out of whatever else is going on.
A great way to be present to the space between is to sit facing one another and notice what you have brought into the space, then imagine placing whatever it is outside the space between.
Now notice the difference in the space between. Use this moment to express an appreciation of something about your partner – even the smallest thing. You are creating safety and healing in the space between and it truly becomes sacred space.
John
Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past
Being present is a real gift which has often not been modeled well for us when growing up or even now in adulthood.
We all come out of childhood bent out of shape, wouldn’t you agree? In the Imago system we have the blueprint for each other’s growth and healing but we have to be aware, we have to be conscious.
From a faith perspective, you are with the right person. For me, it is grace at the DNA level. There is mystery here for sure but I see it every day in the office. I often ask clients, why are you with this person? It is not a bad question. Most guys have met many other girls growing up just as most women have met many other guys – so why the two of you?
Then I ask, can you remember the first time you met your partner? Most people can. I can’t remember what I did yesterday but I can remember 45 years ago when I first met Crystal. So what is going on? It seems that we recognize something very familiar.
Here comes the tricky part because if I didn’t get certain needs met growing up and then marry Crystal, who cannot meet those needs, will my needs ever be met? Only if she grows and stretches and gives them to me, and in so doing, she is also healing herself.
The way this shows up for me now is how easily Crystal will appreciate what I do, thank me, you did a great job, etc. A piece of my wounding growing up was not feeling good enough. Crystal on her side grew up being very independent so, in the past, was less likely to share those kind of affirmations. As we each become more present to each other in the moment, we really are healing each other’s past.
The key is safety. The space between two people is not just empty air. We have the expression, “you can cut the tension with a knife” if two people are not getting along, whereas when everything is good, that energy field is fun, relaxed, comfortable.
Let’s keep that Space Between Sacred Space, Holy Ground so we really can be present to our partner.
