Today we explore Chapter 2: The Solution of How to Talk with Anyone about Anything. This is the newest book by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.
If feeling disconnected is one part of the problem and objection to difference is the other, what is the solution?
Seeing, listening, and valuing the other person is the key to CONNECTING. That is what their Safe Conversation Process is all about. They give a good real-life example of how in the early stages of the Imago Institute there was an impasse with emotions running high. Harville, wisely, asked for someone to
mirror him. Maya Kollman, one of my great teachers, grabbed the mike and mirrored Harville’s thoughts and feelings. What could have been the dissolution of the whole organization turned into a healing experience for everyone. The point of this little story is ‘how’ you say something can create communication
breakdown more than ‘what’ is said.
Safe Conversation Dialogue
The Safe Conversation dialogue was first developed to help couples communicate safely, i.e. ‘how” they speak to each other. “With our dialogue tools, you learn to:
- Talk without criticism,
- Listen with curiosity and without judgment, and
- Connect beyond your differences.” (p.38)
The key is to see conflict “not as a threat or as a fight-or-flight trigger, but as ‘growth trying to happen’.
How Conflicts Arise
Conflict arises because differences arise, which, again, is a natural and even desirable fact of life. Differences, after all, are how we evolve genetically and intellectually.(p.39) If feeling disconnected is one part of the problem, another “major cause of fractured relationships and social disconnection is polarization, due to an OBJECTION TO DIFFERENCE – opinion, race, gender, religion, politics. You name it. But here is the reality that we all face: difference is the primary feature of everything in nature. The universe is defined by difference. From the smallest particle to the largest galaxy, nothing in nature is the ‘same’. Every ‘thing’ is unique.” (p.35)
The Key to Transcending Resistance
Why is it that we seem to object to difference so much? I thought this was interesting. “Here”, they say, “is a little comfort for the journey to the discovery and acceptance of ‘otherness’: it is not all your fault, and we are all in this together. The key to transcending resistance to differences is to understand three things:”(p.35)
- How your brain works.
- The uniqueness of each human brain is a result of our personal histories.
- You can change your brain by being more curious about others.
When they say we are all in this together they are just making the point that every brain has its own individual history – what we know and what we think about.
“We all have this problem. We are locked inside our brains with our personal views of the world, which we think everyone shares, and if they do not, we think they should.” (p.36) The only way out of this impasse, is to be curious. “We call this differentiation, which is the ability to see, hear, and value the perspectives of others, even those with whom you may not agree.
Furthermore, it means to accept that others are challenged, as you are, by this process when you share your perspective with them.” (p.36)
4 Key Skills to get you to The Solution
In the next four chapters, they will elaborate on the 4 key skills we all need to be seen, heard, and valued and to see, hear, and value others. These four skills are:
- Safe Conversations Dialogue
- Empathy with everyone
- Zero Negativity
- Affirmations.
Next week I’ll look at Chapter 3 A Structured Dialogue. The magic of the Safe Conversations process is that the very structure of the process ensures safety. And when safety happens, connecting happens. See you next week.
