The Safe Conversation Process is the key skill that couples must learn if they are going to be able to discuss anything in a meaningful way. Typically what people say when they come into the office goes something like this: “We aren’t communicating well” or “It is our communication”. It doesn’t matter much what the issues are between them. The key is to be able to talk to each other about them in a constructive manner. Granted it is a very structured way to communicate. It feels unnatural and awkward at first but it is in fact, the very structure of the Safe Conversation Process that ensures safety.
And when safety happens, connection can happen. There are 3 elements to that structure: mirroring, validation, and empathy.
3 Safe Conversation Elements
Mirroring
Mirroring is a reflective process that assures your partner that you have heard their perception and experience of the situation. Before you can respond you need to mirror back what you have heard to their satisfaction; it is a flat mirror, no additions, no subtractions – this is what you heard them say, Is that right?
Yesterday, I was at a Tim Horton’s drive-through. I ordered a small black coffee for myself and a medium decaf with milk for my wife. Immediately, the person inside repeated back to me: Was that a small black and a medium decaf with milk? A perfect mirror! The employees have been taught to repeat back to the customer what they have heard, to cut down on wastage from mistakes because they cannot see the person giving the order, and there might be static in the system. But isn’t there sometimes static in our communication with our partner? We might be tired or upset or focused on something else.
The mirroring process makes sure we hear our partner accurately. If Tim Hortons’ employees can use this process, surely we can use it, especially when there is a charge on an issue.
Validation
Validation simply means that you recognize and accept that the other person has also had an experience, and that his or her point of view, while it may be different from yours, has equal validity. “It makes sense that is what you would say or that is how you see it!” reflects the other person’s experience. Remember that others are not you.
Go back to our Tim Hortons’ example. If I ask for a small black coffee, the person on the inside doesn’t say, “Don’t you want a large double?” because that is what they like. No, he or she just repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly. There is no judgement! In Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between, Harville and Helen explain the importance of validation.
“The experience of validation reverses the messages we received from our childhood caretakers and others, who, wittingly or not, left us with the impression that we were wrong to feel what we felt or to want what we want or think what we think.”
Empathy
What is Empathy? It is the communication to another person that you hear and understand his or her feelings and that they make sense. Empathy might be expressed in the following manner: “Given that (what your partner has just told you about), I can imagine you might be feeling (use a word or two to describe what they might be feeling).” Then check it out: “Is that what you’re feeling?” For example, I might say, “You seem angry,” but my partner might reply, “No, I wasn’t really angry, but I was sad, or disappointed, or hurt.”
Then, it is your partner’s turn. It is a dialogue, so you need to mirror and validate and empathize with your partner. And back and forth it goes. Working closely with couples for over three decades has shown that if I can keep couples in the Safe Conversation Process, they will sort things out.
The Safe Conversation Process
The third element of the combination lock to a successful relationship is the essential skill you need to master – the Safe Conversation Process. You must learn how to talk with your partner in a safe way. Talking is the main way you will communicate, and there will always be stuff to talk about; the key is to stop your old brain, your reptilian brain, from reacting. If your old brain senses danger, it will react, using the fight, flight, or freeze responses.
In a conscious relationship, you need to respond, not react; the structure of the Safe Conversation Process ensures safety. It is a way of talking without criticizing, listening without judging, and connecting through your differences.
