From the book Making Marriage Simple, here is Truth #4: Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past by Helen
The Universal Mystery
Helen writes: “Now, we get to the heart of what seems to be part of the universal mystery. There is an amazing thing that happens when we transform the energy of conflict into growth, allowing us to answer the true calling of committed partnership. You become your partner’s healer – and they become yours. As you start listening to your partner in a new way, you will realize an important fact: Your partner’s needs are a blueprint for your own healing and growth – and your needs are a blueprint for your partner’s.” (p.49)
Imago System
The magic and mystery of the Imago system is that we seem to be attracted to a partner in an adult intimate relationship that replays the same challenges we had as kids. Our task is to reframe that insight into a positive: to first identify our partner’s real needs and then to become our partner’s healer by stretching to meet those needs. When we do that, we “become stronger and more complete in the process”.(p50) What we are called to do is to be really present to and for each other. “Truly being present for someone is a real gift.” (p.51)
To answer the call to become each other’s healer means that we avoid, at all cost, re-wounding each other – so that we can become true advocates for each other. “The key to this transformation happening is safety. By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other. “(p.53) She goes on: “Healing happens only in a safe environment, without safety, healing won’t happen.” (p.53) And how do we achieve safety? The rest of her chapter focuses on the Space-Between which I will comment on next week.
