From Making Marriage Simple
Truth #4 (continued) Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past
by Helen
In the first part of this chapter Helen shared how in the Imago system we seem to be attracted to a partner in an adult intimate relationship that replays the same challenges we had as kids. Our task then is to reframe that insight into a positive: to first identify our partner’s real needs and then to become our partner’s healer by stretching to meet those needs. To do that we are called to be really present to and for our partner, which means that we avoid, at all cost, re-wounding them – so that we can become true advocates for each other. She goes on to say: “The key to this transformation happening is safety. By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other.” (p.53) “Healing happens only in a safe environment. Without safety, healing won’t happen.” (p.53)
So how does a couple achieve safety? “We believe that if a relationship is in trouble, the couple needs to focus on healing the relationship. Not on themselves. In fact, Harville and I would assert that the best way to heal a relationship is not to repair the two people, but the Space Between them.” (p.54)
What is The Space Between
So what is this Space Between? Think of your own relationship. The Space Between you is a real energy field and you can tell can’t you when there is tension in that energy field. It is either tension free or it is not; there is no middle ground. “Every word, tone of voice, every glance, affects the Space Between. Even the unspoken communication of your body language (called nonverbal cues) contributes to this energy field. … The state of the Between determines how safe you and your partner feel in each other’s presence.”(p.55)
35 years ago when I first started seeing couples using the Imago System I focused on the Imago – what it was like for partners growing up, what were the childhood challenges etc. Then for years I stressed the importance of safety – our brain has a negativity bias. When things are good that is great but it is the negativity that can kill us so be on guard. I now believe the fastest way forward for any couple is to pay close attention to the Space Between. You can’t keep putting negativity into the Space Between as negativity causes disconnect and what you want is connection. Negativity is to your relationship what cancer is to your body; they both kill.
3 Essential Ingredients to a Great Relationship
Having a great relationship is not rocket science but there are three essential ingredients. Firstly, it has to be safe; secondly, you want to protect the Space Between – no negativity in the Space Between and refill the space with positives and thirdly, couples need to learn to talk to each other in a safe way. The structure of the Safe Conversation process ensures safety so use it. Have a great Christmas!! See you next week.
