Five-Minute Relationship Repair
Quickly heal upsets, Deepen intimacy and Use differences to strengthen love
By Susan Campbell and John Grey
The first rule in relationship repair – when you find yourself being pulled down
into an unwanted and upsetting place, metaphorically the Hole – stop digging!
The shovels we use are:
“blaming, criticizing, name-calling, judging, attacking, prodding, pursuing,
provoking, getting defensive, withdrawing, shutting down, proving you’re right,
trying to win. These reactive behaviors are signs that your higher brain has
gotten hijacked. (p.15-16)
But I am getting ahead of myself. I’d like to take the next two or three
newsletters to explore the ideas in the book, Five-Minute Relationship Repair –
“the tool kit no relationship should be without”. As so often happens, it was my
wife, who first put me on to it. Thank you, Crystal.
The Cause or Causes of Disconnect
Before moving on to ways to reconnect and repair a relationship, the authors
examine the cause or causes of disconnect between couples. Why do marriages
that start out in an ideal romantic love state end up 3 or 5 or 10 years later in
the divorce court? On one level the cause is often blame: “If only she would/he
would …” but they are saying in reality “We cannot see the real causes of
emotional upsets and communication breakdowns because they are driven by a
part of the brain that operates outside of conscious awareness” (p.2), which
they refer to as the survival alarm.
For years, I have stressed the importance of
safety in a relationship and the part played by our lower brain, brain stem, old
brain, reptilian brain whatever you want to call it. Campbell and Grey do a great
job explaining, step by step, how having one’s buttons pushed sets off that
survival alarm (the old brain) and what happens next. When the survival alarm
starts ringing, it pretty well hijacks our nervous system.
Survival
Using a composite couple, Donna and Eric, to flesh out their ideas, they identify
the three basic survival states of fight, flight or freeze. Since survival is the
highest priority of the survival alarm, it can detect even the slightest signs of
danger. Its mantra is “Shoot first, ask questions later.” From an evolutionary
perspective, imagine a saber tooth tiger attacking you. Your body doesn’t stop
to analyze the situation, it just reacts. “The higher brain function operates too
slowly to save you from a saber tooth tiger! When survival is at stake,
everything has to happen fast.” (p.10) The problem, of course, is that your
partner is not a saber tooth tiger; but your old brain just senses danger and
reacts.
3 Helpful Tips from The Five-Minute Relationship Repair Book
There were three bits of information that I found very helpful in the first few
chapters of their book.
1. Being Triggered
What was actually new for me was their comparison
of being triggered, to drinking too much alcohol. We all know that an excess of
alcohol can impair our ability to think straight. “The same goes for adrenaline
(the fight or flight response) or anesthesia (the freeze response).” (p.22) While
there are no empty bottles on the table, the survival alarm of our old brain
dumps powerful chemicals into our system without our conscious choice.
Understanding this helps take the blame out of the process when you or your
partner get triggered, which is the word they use for a stimulus that sets off the
survival alarm. The alarm reacts instinctively and without your permission.
Repair, then, is not about blaming, but taking steps to get your higher brain
back online.
2. Right Brain Dominance
The second interesting piece for me was to be reminded, that “before two
years of age, our right brains are dominant. Most of our information about our
safety and security comes via our caregivers’ vocal tones, touch, facial
expressions, and gestures – through non-verbal communication.” (p.76) These
are the earliest learning experiences of the child and they are being read very
carefully by the child’s survival alarm brain.
Later on, in a relationship, it might
be a tone of voice or a look or gesture that triggers the survival alarm more than
the spoken words. (How you say something is often more important than what
you say.) Most of the time adults have no idea what old programming lies at the
root of their triggers. Their survival alarm does not distinguish that the present
sounds or looks are coming from different people in an entirely different time
and place. The third bit also makes complete sense:
3. Survival Alarm
“Our alarm systems are built to make mistakes. A good alarm, by its very
nature, will overgeneralize and sound a lot of false alarms. It’s about survival,
after all. Hence, our alarms go off automatically if an intimate partner does
something even remotely similar to earlier painful or scary experiences. In an
intimate partnership, we need to feel emotionally safe and secure. Otherwise,
we will be triggered to some degree.” P.18
What can you do? “Step one is to accept that this sort of thing happens – even
to the nicest, most intelligent, and most conscious people. Step two is learning
how to recognize the early warning signs of being triggered.” (p.23) Step three,
as I said at the beginning, is to stop digging!
To be continued …
