The other day a client brought up the question of what to do with his negative thinking. He knows he isn’t supposed to be negative but a lot of anger is present when his partner continues to do certain behaviours. Harville addresses this very issue in his chapter on “Negativity is a wish in disguise”.
He starts the chapter with:
“Now you may be wondering. Are you supposed to ignore all the issues you have with your partner? Let us reassure you. You don’t have to passively accept all of your partner’s sloppy behavior. And we’re not suggesting that you just stuff your feelings down. Because no matter how successful a stuffer you think you are, the negative feelings won’t completely go away.
Instead, you need to recognize that behind every negative thought is an unmet desire.
What’s Behind Your Negativity
Negativity is a wish in disguise.
And what is an unmet desire if not a wish?” (p.87)
The solution he goes on to explain is to get in touch with what you need and ask for it, but ask for it in a way your partner can really hear your request. The Behaviour Change Request exercise is one of the more challenging pieces in the Imago system because typically, frustrations tend to be at the point of the impasse; you want your partner up here, and they are down there.
When explaining this concept to my couples, I share that I really just want to teach them a process – a different way to look at frustrations and also to help them understand where the frustrations are coming from. It helps the person with the frustration to better understand why they feel frustrated, and it gives their partner, the one who needs to change their behavior, some motivation to change.
A Little Exercise
Here is a little exercise regarding negativity we can do together right now. Think of a frustration you might have with your partner. It doesn’t matter what it is, big or small! Secondly, what do you feel when your partner does that? And lastly, what do you then typically do when you feel that particular feeling? There you have a pretty good example of the power struggle. Don’t get mad at me for doing x, don’t do y!
Years ago when we started our Imago journey, one of my frustrations with my partner was when she was late. I’d get angry and when I was angry I tended to go quiet, to pout and sulk. Again, the old the power struggle. Don’t get mad at me for being quiet; don’t be late.
Negativity & The Power Struggle
How do you get out of the power struggle? Here is the interesting point for me. Typically, frustrations don’t bother your partner, they bother you! True? The harder question to answer then, is WHY? Why did it bother so much me that she was late? It didn’t bother her. The question I was challenged to ask was; what was my HIDDEN FEAR? I know fear is a strong term and most people wouldn’t say they fear anything when their partner does a certain behavior, but something was bothering me.
Sometimes it is easy to catch the reason, sometimes it is a week later and you are in the shower and asking yourself ‘Why does that behavior bother me so much?’ For me the answer was pretty obvious. My conclusion was: She was late because her work was more important to her than I was or the person she was with was more important than me. In other words, I felt she thought I was not good enough for her. Does that make sense?
Imago’s Key Question
In the Imago system, here is the key question I was challenged to answer; as a kid, did I ever feel that I wasn’t important or not good enough? For me, it was my whole childhood. I had an older brother who was very, very good in both sports and school and as a kid, I felt no good or not good enough.
If couples can really grasp that what they are doing now (in the present) triggers old feelings (from their partner’s past), it really does give them some motivation to change. For example, in our case, my partner didn’t want to rehurt me the way I was as a kid, so when I asked her to change her behavior she was willing to give it a go.
Behaviour Change Request
The Behaviour Change Request is a very structured exercise, but it works. Requests need to be Time Limited, Specific and Positive. Generally the time limit is the next week or two. It needs to be so specific that if anyone found the request they would be able to do it, and positive. You are always training yourself and your partner what to do, rather than what not to do.
The point I am trying to make here is that what we know after all these years is, generally a present-day frustration has roots in the past. It triggers the same feelings. The wish, in my case, was to be important to my partner, to be good enough for her. My negativity was a wish in disguise. Instead of “you are always late”, (negative – because in my mind I wasn’t important to her), my disguised wish was “I want you to think I am good enough for you and therefore, want to spend quality time with me”.
Harville explains: “The BCR is the way to state your frustration and keep safety in your relationship all at the same time. It has three simple steps: 1) ask for an appointment to discuss a frustration (remember what we have said – anything negative by appointment only), 2) state the frustration briefly, and then 3) ask for what you want.” (p.89)
Harville’s only caution using this approach: “Start off small – with the molehill rather than the mountain. … Remember, often what we want most from our partner are the things that are hardest for our partner to give. When your partner succeeds with the easy things, they can then grow to take on the bigger challenges.” (p.94)
Next week – Your Brain has a Mind of Its Own.
