Safety is the second important piece in your playbook.
Why safety? Because safety is built into your DNA – your survival. I am not talking here about physical safety because that has to be a given in any successful relationship, but rather emotional and psychological safety; the safety to be yourself in your relationship and to be able to bring up any issue and discuss it calmly.
Watching this video right now, you are using the rational, cerebral, intellectual part of your brain, but your brain is much more complex. Our knowledge of exactly how the different parts of the brain interact and how they develop is constantly expanding; however, the consensus of opinion among most experts is that our brain stem is similar to the brain stem of all mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles. It is called the reptilian or lizard brain; we all have a brain stem that connects our spinal cord to the mid-brain and cerebral cortex. Its primary function is to keep us alive, and it has done that for five hundred million years. You are not going to change it. So, while you are watching this video, your brain stem is constantly scanning the environment for danger. You generally are not aware of this phenomenon; it is unconscious, but your reptilian brain is on alert 24/7, and if it senses danger, it will defend itself.
2 Primary Ways to Defend
The two primary ways nature has learned to defend down through the ages are to explode energy outwards –
- the fight or flight response.
- and to constrict energy inwards – the freeze response.
An Example
A little rabbit, for example, might freeze to blend in with the landscape if it senses danger. Whereas, a cornered dog might attack. Over millions of years, nature has learned that there is a better chance to survive if energy is exploded outwards or constricted inwards.
The same is true for humans: one person tends to push the energy out, saying, “Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me”; whereas, another tends to hold the energy in, responding with, “Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone.” We are all on that continuum somewhere. Then, as we often see, people with opposite coping strategies marry each other. While these complimentary defenses are natural, if they remain unconscious, they are one of the causes of the power struggle.
I would suggest that your old brain (and mine) is just as operative in you (and me) as in that rabbit or that cornered dog. If your old brain senses danger, it will put you into a defensive mode. It is as simple as that. Your brain stem is at work full-time, keeping you alive. And that is a good thing – most of the time!
The Challenge
Herein lays the challenge: think of how relationships are sometimes depicted in our culture. In movies and on TV, relationships are often shown to be antagonistic or, at least, portrayed in a winner/loser fashion. The magazines at the checkout counter frequently display celebrities in various stages of divorce and remarriage, as if that was the standard for committed partnerships.
In real life, do we not routinely observe couples in the attack/defend mode? But think about it from your old brain point of view. If I attack you, yell at you, don’t talk, shutdown, or make fun of you, what are you going to do except defend yourself? We see it everywhere, and after thirty-four years of coaching couples, I know for certain that these tactics don’t work. If you don’t feel safe, you will defend yourself either by exploding outward or retreating inward.
Zone of Safety
I am not knocking my old brain; it has kept me alive all these years. But I also don’t want it to ruin my relationship. I would characterize the basic energy of most relationships, (certainly ours was before we did the work I am asking you to explore) as unconscious, old brain, and reactive.
In a reactive relationship, when there is danger, an individual tends to retreat or attack. Imagine a turtle and a hailstorm typifying what happens. The hailstorm says to the turtle: “Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.” What does the turtle do? It goes deeper and deeper into his or her shell because that is where it feels safe.
A Successful Relationship
What I want to help you create is a more conscious relationship that makes use of your new, rational brain to become more intentional. Look around you: everything manufactured that you see was created by humans. You can do that. You can design the kind of outcome you want and then work to create it; but if you want a great relationship, you need to learn to talk to your partner in a safe way, which is the essential skill I’ll talk about in Chapter 3. Skills – The Safe Conversation Process.
I’ll start there next week.
