My book The Relationship Coach should be available in the next few weeks. It is being published by Friesen Press, a Canadian publishing firm, and will be available to order from my website. The incentive to publish a new version of the information in my previous book Dream Relationship, came from the shift in emphasis in Harville and Helen’s 2019 edition of Getting the Love You Want. The main elements of Imago Relationship Therapy haven’t changed but I think there has been an important shift in emphasis.
Imago: The Shift in Emphasis
The shift came from their study of quantum physics, and quantum theory. They focus on the relational interpretation of quantum theory, a reality made up of relations rather than objects. As they state in their book Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between:
“The problems couples bring to our offices are not located inside themselves, where they have been since the founding of psychotherapy in the late nineteenth century. They are located in their interactions with each other, in the space between them.” (p.xiv)
I am not a big expert on quantum theory, but what they are saying is that Einstein and others suggest that this whole big universe of ours is mostly energy but it is all connected; it is all in relationship – atom to atom, molecule to molecule, planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy. Everything is connected.
Think of your relationship; typically we think of two people, you and you. I am challenging couples to think of their relationship as the two of them plus the Space-Between them. It is a real energy field isn’t it? And you can tell, can’t you, when there is tension in the Space-Between. It is either tension-free or not; there is no middle ground. The Space-Between is not a vacuum; it is filled with energy, which can work for you in a positive way or against you in a very negative way, but it is not neutral. Every couple I have asked about this concept agrees; they intuitively know when there is tension between them.
Your relationship is a microcosm of the vast macrocosm. You want connection but putting negativity into the Space-Between causes disconnect. If the Space-Between becomes too negative then people start to avoid. Why would they go into a toxic space? I believe, now, that the fastest way forward for any couple is to protect the Space-Between. You cannot keep putting negativity into the Space-Between; it will kill the relationship. Negativity is to your relationship like cancer is to your body; they both kill. The reverse side of the no negativity coin is to refill the Space-Between with verbal appreciations and affirmations on a daily basis.
Relationship Coach
If I go back 35 years, when I first started coaching couples using Imago Relationship Therapy, I focused on the Imago – the unconscious image children create of their early caregivers; the person who loves them, who takes care of them and who meets all their needs. That was IRT’s key insight – the awareness of the influence of that imprint, the Imago, on mate selection. Then, for years, I really focused on the idea of safety, because of our old reptilian brain. It just made sense; if I don’t feel safe I will protect myself. And I still stress both of those concepts. But I really think, now, the fastest way forward for any couple, is to protect the Space-Between. You can’t keep putting negativity into that energy field as it causes disconnect and what you want is connection.
An analogy might be to think of your relationship as a still pond of water – calm, smooth, quiet. If you throw a stone into that pond, it will send ripples out in all directions. The same goes for the Space-Between. If you put a negative interaction into the Space-Between, it will affect your partner; like the ripples in the pond, your partner can’t block them. One negative interaction might not do too much damage; fifty interactions will do serious harm.
As soon as I have more information about the launch date for The Relationship Coach, I will let you know. All the best.
