In the last chapter, the authors examined the first two stages of an intimate relationship. These are romantic love and the power struggle. Chapter 7 looks at what is possible in today’s world – the conscious partnership.
What is The Conscious Partnership
“A conscious partnership is a dynamic energetic pattern characterized by relaxed aliveness, positive affect, and joyful exchanges. Through the transformation that occurs in the safety of a conscious relationship, conscious partners reap individual and relational benefits that optimize their physical, emotional, cognitive, and spiritual well-being, and connecting is their daily experience.
In back-to-the-future fashion, it looks like two people wallowing in the bliss of romantic love, but this time, it is real love, and the bliss has durability because they are participating in the energy of the quantum field. … In a nutshell, it is consciousness that makes all the difference; it is consciousness that brings a relationship from reactivity to intentionality, from pain to pleasure, and from the hell of the power struggle to the paradise of real love. (p.150)
The History of Couplehood
When we look at the history of couplehood, we discover the three forms it has taken over the millennia.
- Hunter-gatherer societies: From a basic survival perspective that lasted for millions of years, opted for a simple pair bond.
- Over the last 10,000 years or so, with the rise of agriculture, animal husbandry, and civilization itself, the arranged marriage evolved.
- It is only in the last 300 years with the rise of democracy and the end of monarchy that the democratic-romantic marriage/intimate relationship evolved.
“In our view, the democratic-romantic marriage is dying, because it is no longer a participant in the evolutionary process, and it is being replaced by the collective consciousness with conscious partnership, which is a step forward, toward real love and an evolving relational civilization. We call the conscious partnership the fourth stage of couplehood in human history.”(p.151)
In a Quantum Universe
Remember, we are now living in a quantum universe where everything is connected to everything else. “As the culture of individualism evolves into a relational culture, it makes sense that a relational culture would give birth to a new, relational-centered form of couplehood whose agenda is the furtherance of a relational civilization.”(p.152)
Before examining what this conscious partnership looks like, the authors sidetrack for another look at the brain sciences and quantum theory. The brain, it seems, becomes more efficient when we can imagine or picture an outcome than if we just use words. Words come from the brain’s left hemisphere and are more particle-like; images come from the right hemisphere of the brain and are more wavelike. An integrated brain uses both as needed.
“The concept in quantum physics that deals with this phenomenon is the particle-wave duality, which is considered by mainstream quantum physics to be inherent in every form, from the smallest particle to the universe, all of which emerge from the quantum field.”(p.153)
The Dream Relationship
What does this matter in real life? The authors encourage couples to not only describe their dream relationship in words but also to imagine it in images. In the Imago system, one of the first things I do with couples is to ask them to create a relationship vision. If your relationship worked out ideally, what would it look like? Even couples who are conflicted know what they want. “This is the process that happens when couples construct their future in the present by imagining their future as ‘now’.”(p.153)
The Essence of a Conscious Partnership
We, that is, all of us who grew up in the 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s are part of the old, individualistic paradigm, so there is little evidence yet of what this newer conscious partnership might look like, but there are clues. For one it is “conscious’.
First
“That alone distinguishes it from the contemporary marriage, which is based on romantic love, a product of nature, driven unconsciously by the survival instinct of the lower brain. Its replacement, conscious partnership, emerges out of the same survival drive but with a different outcome because it is guided by the upper brain. The upper brain becomes intentional about survival; the lower brain reacts without reflection.”(p.154)
Second
Secondly, it is a relationship consciousness. The Latin, con means ‘with’ and scious means ‘to know’, thus conscious means to know with. “Remember, consciousness is not a feature of the quantum field, it is the field; the field is Consciousness Itself.”(P.154) Partners will know with each other rather than know about each other. ”This ‘knowing’ with, not ‘knowing about’ helps differentiate ‘self’ from the ‘other’ and facilitates connecting around and beyond their differences, preparing the ground for real love which celebrates difference and holds it in a state of wonder.” (p.155)
Thirdly, or Lastly
Lastly, it will be a partnership. The romantic model of couplehood tended to be hierarchical and thus unequal. This is because unconsciously it was modeled on the vertical, or monarchy model.
“Competition, control, domination, and the necessity of being the best and winning at all costs is the value system that drives this social-cultural-personal structure. Hierarchy and inequality are indigenous features of most cultures and embodied in most marriages, and hierarchy and inequality are the source of conflict for all the institutions, including marriage.” (p.155)
The Next Stage in Human Social Evolution
The authors see the next stage in human social evolution as a relational civilization which embodies
“universal equality, total inclusiveness, and the celebration of differences and we see these as the embodiment of real love. In such a civilization, partnership will be a conscious choice, and competition will be replaced by collaboration, control by cooperation, and domination by mutual support and real love.” (p.155)
The Quantum Field and the Space Between
“Since the quantum field occupies the Space-Between partners, the conscious partnership is an oscillation between ‘wave-like’ qualities and ‘particle-like’ qualities. In other words, it is more a process than a ‘thing’.”(p.156) They use the analogy of a garden which is always in flux. Spring, summer, fall, winter – soil, air, water and sunshine together create something “that goes far beyond what those components could create on their own, something that is seemingly miraculous and far more than the sum of its parts.”(p.157)
“A conscious partnership also remains in a constant state of becoming, changing from day to day and even moment to moment, depending on its context – that is, on the quality of the exchanges between partners who influence and are influenced by all of their other interactions. … If we think of a conscious partnership as the occupant of the Space-Between, it consists of interactions between two people that support the thriving of both partners and their relationship by creating and sustaining reliable and predictable safety, the essential ingredients of real love.”(pp.156-157)
The Key is Safety
The key – as I have said many times – is SAFETY. “Safety is the necessary and sufficient condition, the sine qua non, of a conscious partnership.”(p.157) Without safety couples can survive but they cannot thrive. Next week I will look at how safety can be achieved and maintained.
