I think we could all agree that in many instances. the [problem in our society seems to be a disconnect. We are divided and/or polarized. The authors contend that “from our perspective, we see all of these conflicts and polarizations as symptoms, not the problem. These symptoms are indications that the basic human need to be seen, heard, and valued is not being met. They are the result of the failure of our social and economic systems.” (p.10)
Chapter 1: The Problem
Let’s explore the root of the problem. If quantum physics is the most accurate scientific discipline, or view of nature, that we humans have developed, its thesis is:
“that the universe is a field of energy that is self-aware and creative. All things we know and see – like galaxies, solar systems, planets, particles, atoms, cells, and all life forms – arise out of, and exist in, that field.
We are self-aware and creative because we are made out of this invisible self-aware energy. This energy constantly gives birth to forms that make up the visible world we experience. We call this the wonder of being. When we experience our connectedness to this source, we experience the wonder of being, and ourselves as wondrous beings. We believe that wonder, experienced as joyful aliveness, is our true nature.”(pp.10-11)
Think of children when they first arrive on planet Earth. If their basic needs are met, they tend to be joyful and happy. They play with abandon naturally. That is their natural state. But and it is a big but, often as kids, for any of a number of reasons, the basic need, (to be seen, heard and valued) is not met well and then there is a disconnect between parent and child.
The Disconnect
When disconnect happens,
“the ruptured connection triggers anxiety, which becomes the background of the child’s consciousness and the source of all his or her potential problems. … as anxious children grow into adults they will continue to live in a self-constructed world while believing it is the objective world, the world outside. They will assume that all others share their worldview. When they find this is not true – that, in fact, others have views that are different from theirs – they make every effort to convince themselves and others that their worldview is the only correct one. We call this problem “objection to difference.” (p.14)
3 Sources of Disconnect
There are three sources of these disconnections in our lives that can cause us to withdraw and assume that those who do not conform to our expectations simply do not matter.
- Unconscious caretaking,
- A traumatic experience – mild or intense.
- The value system of our culture (a culture that rewards the ‘best’).
Characteristics of Disconnect
They go on to point out characteristics they have identified in those who are disconnected and resentful of anyone whose perceptions differ from theirs.
Anxiety
Anxiety differs from fear. Fear typically has a specific object – a strange noise at night or a menacing dog. Anxiety is triggered by imagining that behind a specific fear lies the possibility that we might cease to exist.
Self-absorption
Think of a loss you might have experienced. Divorce, loss of a job, loss of a friendship, etc. “If some version of that has happened, you have probably experienced degrees of anxiety ranging from mild to intense, and you may have gone through at least a brief period of withdrawal to grieve and self-soothe”. (p. 25)
Loss of empathy
“Loss of empathy is the tragic casualty of self-absorption, that state of isolation we inhabit when we experience the anxiety of ruptured connections.” (p.27)
Objectification
“On a societal or national level, those who have no tolerance for different opinions or viewpoints tend to believe that their own culture, race, religion, or lifestyle is the ‘right’ one. They believe that their view of the world is the only way to see it, and others with different views are worthless and evil. The ‘others’ are no longer humans but objects and are treated as such.” (p.28)
Chapter 1: Conclusion
They conclude this chapter with the observation that while we do all want to connect, if we have little tolerance for differing opinions and viewpoints, it makes it difficult. On a gentler note, they also make the point that “everyone is trying to do something good, from their perspective, including you. So a little compassion and validation are in order.” (p.30)
They go on to say: “The process we offer in this book is your path to improving interactions and building better relationships in your personal, professional, and community life, as well as becoming a part of global humanity. We will help you discover that the world consists only of difference and diversity, and we will demonstrate how accepting and honoring difference and diversity will open the door to greater opportunities and a happier life.” (p.30)
Next week, Chapter 2 The Solution.
