“Safety is the second important piece of your playbook. Why Safety? Because safety is built into your DNA – your survival. … Our knowledge of exactly how the different parts of the brain interact and how they developed is constantly expanding; however, the consensus of opinion among most experts is that our brain stem is similar to the brain stem of all mammals, birds, fish, and reptiles. It is called the reptilian or lizard brain; we all have a brain stem that connects our spinal cord to the mid-brain and cerebral cortex. Its primary function is to keep us alive, and it has done that for five hundred million years. You are not going to change it.” (p.9-10)
My Challenge: Achieving Safety
Here, then, is my challenge. Think about how relationships are often depicted in our culture: in movies, on TV, in magazines at the check-out counter, and real life. But think about it from your old brain’s point of view. If you attack me or yell at me, or don’t talk, or shut down or make fun of me, what am I going to do except defend myself? You see it everywhere, and all I am saying is, it doesn’t work. If you don’t feel safe, you will defend yourself, typically by exploding outwards, the fight or flight response, or by retreating inward, the freeze response.
“I am not knocking my old brain; it has kept me alive all these years. But I also don’t want it to ruin my relationship. I would characterize the basic energy of most relationships, (certainly ours was before we did the work I am asking you to explore in this book) as unconscious, old brain, and reactive.
In a reactive relationship, an individual tends to retreat or attack when there is danger. Imagine a turtle and a hailstorm typifying what happens. The hailstorm says to the turtle: ‘Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me.’ What does the turtle do? It goes deeper and deeper into his or her shell because that is where it feels safe.” (p.12)
I was certainly the turtle in our relationship.
Experiences as a Child
“When I was first studying with Harville, he asked a question that has stuck with me: ‘What is the earliest learning experience of a child?’ I have just spent a few days with my great-niece (age four months). She was a delight, but when she was frustrated or felt a need was not being met to her satisfaction, what did she do? She cried, and someone, usually her mom, came and took care of her. For all of us, that is our earliest learning experience. We put a negative stimulus out into the universe, and a positive response comes back.
The problem, of course, comes as we grow and mature; that equation is no longer effective within a complex adult relationship. But we do see it in action a great deal, do we not?” (p.13)
Ensuring Safety
“One way to ensure safety is to commit to the cardinal rule: anything negative or potentially negative can be raised and discussed only by making an appointment. When I first mention this concept, people often look at me a bit like a deer in the headlights might. What does making an appointment look like?
For me, this rule means that when I go home at night, I know I can just hang out. There will be no arrows coming. I’m not going to get zinged. It is a pretty nice place to be. My old brain can relax and just enjoy whatever shows up. For the last thirty-five years, I have been hanging out. But if either my partner or I have something we need to talk about, we have the same tools you have – ask for an appointment and use the Safe Conversation Process. The structure of the process ensures safety.” (p.14-15) (Next week I’ll explore The Safe Conversation Process in Chapter 3.)
“The second piece in your playbook, the second part of the combination lock, is the importance of safety. If you don’t feel safe, you will defend yourself. It is as simple as that. Your old brain has a five-hundred-million-year track record; you are not going to change it. You can survive without safety, but you cannot thrive!” (p.16)
