When does conflict happen?
If, as we said in Chapter 1, Romantic Love is a trick, and Chapter 2 tells us that incompatibility is grounds for marriage, then inevitably there will be conflict in any intimate relationship. Harville, who is writing this chapter, introduces it with this:
“Hopefully by now, you realize that the conflict you’re experiencing is not only normal, but inevitable, and even valuable. Don’t try to avoid it or deny it. Do not run away from it, or wish it away. Stay with it, and you’ll discover something wonderful right around the corner.
Conflict Brings New Perspective
While conflict makes you uncomfortable, it can also invite you to reflect on your situation from a new perspective. So you have a choice. You can act in ways that keep the conflict going. Or you can turn the conflict into creative tension, which gives birth to new insights and talents.” (p.37)
“The trick is to use conflict to jump-start growth.”(p.39)
Often, within North American culture at least, tends to think if you are having problems in your marriage, it means you are with the wrong person. But, as Harville stated years earlier in the first edition of Getting the Love You Want (1988), people often get rid of their partner but keep the problem and take that problem into the next relationship.
Struggling Through Conflicts
That comment made sense to us years ago when Crystal and I were struggling, and helped us to stay in our relationship long enough to examine it more consciously. Here is how the conflict showed up for us. Growing up in a military boarding school, I hadn’t developed my feeling function very well.
As an adult, I shied away from sharing or showing much feeling and lived in my head, the rational, intellectual part of me that functioned better. Crystal, on her side, had a brilliant mind but grew up on a farm where her thinking function wasn’t encouraged. When issues arose in those first fifteen years of our relationship, I tended to retreat to the more cerebral side of the equation, whereas Crystal to the more emotional side and most issues would turn into a stalemate.
Use Conflict to Inspire New Behaviours
As Harville says: “The trick is to use any conflict to stretch into new behaviours on both sides. Often what we need most from our partner is what they are least capable of giving (which means that we’re the least capable of giving them what they most need from us).” (p.44)
What happened for us was, as I stretched to meet Crystal’s legitimate feeling needs, I not only met her needs but started healing a part of me, my feeling function, that had been stunted growing up. She on her side, began trusting her thinking function more, which helped me and began healing a part of her that had not been encouraged as a youngster.
Conclusion
Harville concludes this chapter with:
“Many people feel that Romantic Love fades far too fast. And for some, the conflict of the power Struggle lasts way too long. Remember, though, there is a purpose to the struggle. To move through it, you have to recognize the real message behind the conflict: It’s time for both you and your partner to stretch so you can reclaim new parts of yourself. Using the conflict as a catalyst enables you to truly become the partner each one of you needs, and also develop fully into all of who you are.” (p.46)
Next week in Chapter 4, Helen shares: Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past
