I begin my book by examining what is called the Space-Between.  I truly believe that the fastest way forward for any couple, is to pay close attention to the energy field that surrounds them as a couple: it is sacred space, holy ground. Typically, we think of a relationship as you and you – two people. I want to challenge you to rethink of your relationship as the two of you plus the space between you.

A Quantum Perspective

It is a real energy field, and you can tell, can’t you, when there is tension in the Space-Between. It is either tension-free, or it is not. There is no middle ground. The Space-Between is not a vacuum; it is filled with energy and this energy can work for you in a positive way or against you in a very negative way, but it is not neutral. Every couple I have asked about this concept agrees; they intuitively know when there is tension between them.

In their book Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between, Harville Hendrix and his wife examine in some detail, what we know broadly as the quantum theory of the universe. They focus on the relational interpretation of quantum theory, a reality made up of relations rather than objects. As they state in their book:

“The problems couples bring to our offices are not located inside themselves where they have been since the founding of psychotherapy in the late nineteenth century. They are located in their interactions with each other, in the space between them”. (p.xiv)

A Positive Space: Fastest Way Forward

If you want a successful relationship, you must work at developing a positive space that will enhance and help your connection. At the same time, you want to eliminate any blame, shame or criticism in the Space-Between. Negativity causes disconnect, and what you want is connection. That we yearn for connection is not just a metaphor. Quantum theory tells us this whole great universe of ours is mainly energy, and it is all connected; it is all in relationship – atom to atom, molecule to molecule, planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy. Negativity is to your relationship like cancer is to your body. They both kill.

An analogy might be to think of your relationship as a still pond of water – calm, smooth, quiet. If you throw a stone into that pond, it will send ripples out in all directions. The same goes for the Space-Between. If you put a negative interaction in the Space-Between, it will affect your partner; like the ripples in the pond, your partner can’t block them. One negative interaction might not do too much damage; fifty negative interactions will do serious harm. 

The caveat here is – it is the person on the receiving end who determines if something is negative or not. I might not think I am being negative, but if my partner experiences my actions or behaviours as such, then I am the one who needs to work on eliminating whatever I am doing. The flip side of the zero-negativity coin is to amplify the positives – to refill the Space-Between with positives.  

Your Relationship Plus The Space Between

The first important piece of the combination to a successful relationship in your playbook, then, is to visualize your relationship as the two of you plus the Space-Between you. It is sacred space, holy ground. Commit to zero negativity – no blame, shame, or criticism – in the Space-Between while refilling the Space-Between with verbal appreciations and affirmations on a daily basis.

Here’s to the fastest way forward. Next week Chapter 2- The Zone of Safety: The key to a successful relatonshp.