The Reconnecting Process
The challenge yesterday was to see whether your relationship received a frowny face or a smiley face for the day. The next step is to then use a Reconnecting Process. My goal is to have you eliminate all negativity from the Space Between as soon as you can. I encourage couples to go cold turkey, but in order to do that you have to be conscious and aware when there is a negative. That is the calendar’s purpose.
Once couples get familiar with assigning their day a frowny face or smiley face, the next step is to then use a Reconnecting Process to quickly repair and reconnect whenever there is a put-down.
The Various Options to Help Reconnecting:
- Ask for a redo. Suppose I say something or do something and right away I know, that wasn’t helpful, I can say to my partner, let me resend that or let me redo whatever it was I didn’t do very well.
- Model for your partner how he or she might resend the message so it doesn’t produce a put-down. Again, I could say, you know it would have been more helpful if you had said that in a different tone of voice, or if you had given me a heads up that you needed to talk or maybe if you had waited until I wasn’t so busy, that would have been better for me.
- Offer a reconnecting behaviour, like a hug or an apology. If I have said or done something that I realized didn’t work, I can simply apologize, “I’m sorry I said or did that,” or maybe a hug would be enough to send the message you want to reconnect.
- If the put-down needs more attention, ask your partner to engage in the Safe Conversation process. It is a way for the two of you to clear the air, but in a safe way.
Relationship tip 5
If you recognize that you have been negative, use a Reconnecting Process as soon as possible to repair the damage. Negativity causes disconnect and what you want in your relationship is to be connected.