Here is a Fall Newsletter about Relational Culture from Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, the creators of Imago Relationship Therapy.
Their goal is to shift what tends to be a “Me Generation” to a relational culture that collaborates and cooperates, a “We Generation”. Here is what they have to say:
7 Tips for Creating a Relational Fall
“The narrative of the individual has been the dominant voice in our culture since the birth of the Enlightenment (“I think, therefore I am” as Rene Descartes put it.) But as you are joining your new sports league, new semester, or getting your end-of-year accounting in order, just remember while your achievements may be yours, you probably received some relational “help” along the way.
1 Listen, listen, listen
Being heard, seen, and valued is our deepest human need and our greatest desire. Listen and repeat back what you hear (“If I heard you, you said …”), validate what they say (“You make sense.”), empathize with their experience (“I imagine you might be feeling …”)
2 Accept difference as reality
We are meant to be different. It’s how we survived and evolved. Embrace different thoughts, feelings, and perceptions as an opportunity to learn something new.
3 Say bye-bye to negativity
Understand and teach how all forms of being negative (shame, blame, and criticism) are emotional abuse. Period. It’s never okay. Instead, teach how to contain negativity and use “I” language when feeling frustrated. (“I want …” “I need …” “I feel …”).
4 Fish for the wish under the frustration
Negativity also suggests a different way to handle problems and conflict. One is to convert a frustration into a request. After all, frustration is just a desire in disguise. Rather than “You are constantly late!” Try “I really wish for this next meeting you arrive ten minutes early. That will make me feel less anxious. Could you do that for me?” Communicate your wishes rather than your frustrations.
5 Affirm the other
Affirmation is the polar opposite of Negativity. When you affirm someone, you are recognizing their intrinsic value because they exist. It is the unconditional acceptance of the other as they are. “You are wonderful.” “You have a big heart.” “Your viewpoint is always interesting.” “You have such a unique perspective.” It goes right to the core of being seen, heard, and valued.
6 Hello curiosity
Welcome the unfamiliar with curiosity rather than judgment. Living this reality gives birth to a new, expanded culture that promotes collaboration, co-creation, and cooperation. When we’re curious, we learn new things about others – their desires, fears, and struggles. We’ll hear secrets, wishes, and regrets. We might even discover common ground.
7 Thank conflict
Conflict in relationships is supposed to happen. This is as nature intended it: everything in nature is in conflict. Conflict means something is trying to emerge, an opportunity to birth something new. It’s only without this knowledge that conflict is destructive. Rather, if we’re willing to work with the conflict, there is something wonderful and amazing waiting for us right around the corner.”
There you have it. Some challenges for your relationship as we move into fall this week.
