Here is Part 1 of a series I’m calling The Space Between. Last week we looked at creating a Relationship Vision as a good start to 2023. If your relationship worked out just the way you wanted it, what would it look like? And then committing to doing what was necessary to move toward that vision.
Pay Attention to The Space Between
From my perspective, a key place to start would be to pay attention to the Space Between. Typically we think of a relationship as you and you, two people; my challenge for you is to start thinking of your relationship as the two of you plus the Space Between you. The Space Between is a real energy field and you can tell, can’t you when there is tension in the Space Between. It is either tension free or it is not. There is no middle ground.
Quantum Theory in the Space Between
Quantum theory tells us that the whole universe is basically just energy, but that it is all in relationship; it is all connected. Your little relationship is a microcosm of the vast macrocosm and it wants connection. Putting negativity into the Space Between causes disconnect whereas everything about you at the most basic level wants connection. So a good start on your Relationship Vision might be to commit to no negativity in the Space Between.
Using Imago Relationship Therapy
30+ years ago, when I started doing relationship coaching using Imago Relationship Therapy, a lot of my time was spent on exploring the Imago – the unconscious image we all create as children of the person who loves me, who takes care of me, and who meets all my needs. We would get some insight into why you are with the person you are with and go from there. Insight is still important but more important is how you interact with your partner right now, today.
Then for 20 or 25 years I really focused on safety because of our old reptilian brain which is always on the lookout for danger. And again safety is a key to a great relationship. I now believe the fastest way forward for a couple is to pay attention to the Space Between. It is a real energy field and you cannot keep putting negativity into that space because the negativity causes a disconnect. And if there is too much negativity then people start to avoid it. Why would I go into a toxic space?
In the romantic love phase of a relationship, the Space Between tends to be pretty positive. It is new, exciting, fun, and romantic. Then, I believe, it is small things – a criticism, a turning away, rolling the eyes, complaining, shut down, etc. and then slowly or quickly the Space Between becomes a bit more negative, and if too negative, then, people start to avoid.
Something to Think About
A caveat to think about is, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if it is negative or not. I might think what I did was fine, but if it doesn’t work for my partner, then I am the one who needs to change. The challenge is to figure out a way to let your partner know that something didn’t work without getting their back up even more. I’ll return to this next week. Cheers.
