We have looked at the first 3 elements of the combination to a successful relationship:
- the importance of the Space-Between,
- of Safety;
- and of mastering the Safe Conversation Process.
The 4th piece of the puzzle is an understanding of Imago Relationship Therapy.
Imago: Our Understanding of Relationships
Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen, made a huge intuitive leap in our understanding of relationships. Making the connection between the unconscious image (the Imago) we form our primary caretakers from childhood (the person who loves me, who meets all my needs, who takes care of me) and the power of that image in mate selection. That insight forms the backbone of Imago Relationship Therapy. Their theory simply helps people to understand better what they are already a part of and thus prepares them to deal with the issues that will arise.
2 Questions to Ask Yourself
- If you are in a committed relationship, an interesting question to ask yourself is, “Why am I with this particular person?” Not a bad question! Most men will have met many women by the time they get into a serious relationship, and, likewise, most women will have met many men. So, why the two of you – the one you are with?
- A second interesting question is: “Can you remember when you first met your partner?” Everyone I ask that question to can remember. Everyone. I can’t remember what I did yesterday, but I can remember fifty years ago when I first met my wife. So, what is going on? I believe, on an unconscious level, we recognize someone familiar. From an Imago perspective, then, you are with the right person.
Why? Imago’s explanation, which has been borne out with the couples I have worked with in the office over the years, is that the person you are with often has some of the positive and negative traits of your early childhood caregivers. Remember the Imago (the unconscious image we form of the person who loves me, takes care of me and meets all my needs.) Because your childhood caretakers weren’t perfect, just as you and I are not perfect, inevitably that unconscious image, that is already hardwired in your brain, will have not only positive but also negative traits.
The Conscious and the Unconscious
On a conscious level, you might just be looking for a good-looking guy or gal, while your unconscious – which, as we know, is often driving the bus – is looking for someone similar enough to the one who loved you, who met all your needs, who took care of you. As humans we tend to go toward what we know, what is familiar. When it comes time to search for a life partner, there is an unconscious attraction to someone who resembles that original imprint.
When I was conducting the workshops, someone volunteered, “I met her in a bar.” We would all laugh, but then I would point out that there were probably ten other girls in that bar – all pretty, all young, all smart, so why this one? I am sure he scanned them all, but only one matched, to some degree, the image or imprint already locked into his brain of the person who loves me and meets all my needs to deserve a second look.
Past & Present: More Work to Do
From an Imago perspective then, the last piece of the lock is that you are with the right person, but there is work to be done. You have the blueprint for each other’s growth toward wholeness, but you have to be conscious of the intricacies of that blueprint. The past does indeed affect the present, since none of us had all of our needs met 100% as children. Harville and Helen conclude: “The unconscious purpose of marriage is to finish childhood and go on to live your best life”.
