This first chapter of Making Marriage Simple is written by Helen.
One of the key insights of Imago Relationship Therapy is the understanding that we tend to be attracted, in an adult intimate relationship, to someone who has some of both the positive, but also the negative traits of our original caretakers. Imago is the Latin word for image and refers to the image or imprint we create as children of the person who loves me, who meets all my needs, who takes care of me.
The Imago is a composite imprint of our early caregivers. “Caregivers include whoever was responsible for your care when you were a child, for example, a parent, older sibling, relative, or babysitter.”(p.22) You are not perfect, your parents weren’t perfect, I’m not perfect, so inevitably that image or imprint will have both positive and negative traits.
My Partner and My Parents
“If you’re reading this and thinking, “But wait, there is no resemblance between my partner and my parents,’ let us clarify: Your partner may not look like your parents, and on the surface, they may not act like your parents. But you will end up feeling the same feelings you had as a child when you were with your parents. This includes the sense of belonging and the love you felt. But it also includes the experience and upset of not getting all your needs met.” (p.16)
This is not about blaming parents. All parents do the best they can do, but as a human race, we haven’t yet figured out how to meet all of our children’s needs all the time. So we are all bent out of shape to some extent. Some parents were very good at meeting their children’s needs; some not so good, but for all of us, those needs that didn’t get met as youngsters don’t go away.
Meeting Your Needs Today
On a conscious level, nobody would choose to be with someone who couldn’t meet their needs, but our unconscious mind has its own agenda. The trick of romantic love in the Imago model is that unconsciously, we tend to be attracted to someone similar enough to the ones who didn’t meet those needs the first time around, to get them met.
“So, whether your parents were lousy, or if their wounding was more subtle, the results generally fall into two categories. Your parents were either over-involved, which left you feeling controlled and smothered. Or your parents were under-involved, which left you feeling abandoned.” (pp.16-17)
“We call the result of not getting all your needs met your ‘childhood wounding’. You become sensitive in the present to what was missing in the past. Our unconscious mind is set up so that the only way to heal these wounds is to have someone with traits like our caregivers learn how to give us what we needed – and missed out on – in childhood. Though frustrating to endure, this design of relationship has a wondrous plan: to heal each other’s childhood wounds.”(p.16)
2 Questions
Here are 2 questions I like to ask my couples so I’ll ask you too.
First, why are you with the person you are with right now? Most men will have met many women by the time they are looking for an intimate partner and most women will have met many men. So why the two of you? It is a good question really. Why is anybody with anybody? I met hundreds of women before I met my partner, so why her?
The second question is: Can you remember when you first met your partner? Everyone I ask that question to can!! I can’t remember what I did yesterday, but I can remember 50 years ago when I first met my wife. So what is going on? I think, on an unconscious level we recognize something familiar. I can’t prove it, but I see it every day in the office.
Helen ends the chapter with some good news: “Since partnership is designed to resurface feelings from childhood, it means that most of the upset that gets triggered in us during our relationship is from our past. Yes! About 90% of the frustrations your partner has with you are really about their issues from childhood. That means only 10% or so is about each of you right now.” (p.20)
Your Exercise
The Exercise at the end of the chapter asks you to write down the frustrations you remember you had with your childhood caretakers and how you felt. Then list the frustrations with your partner and how you feel now. Any similarities? Then share.
