We’ve reached Truth 7 in the book, Negativity is a Wish in Disguise.
Harville, in this chapter, is dealing with frustrations, which tend to be the hardest piece of the Imago system. Why? Typically, what frustrates your partner is difficult for you to change because often it is your weak suit.
For example, way back, my partner wanted me to show more feelings but that wasn’t one of my strengths. When it stayed at the level of frustration it was hard to move forward. Her being negative about my inability to share feelings was really a wish in disguise.
Every Negative Thought
As Harville puts it, “behind every negative thought is an unmet desire”. Complaining that your partner doesn’t share feelings, hides the wish for him or her to do so. In the Imago system, the process for sharing a frustration that avoids negativity is called a Behaviour Change Request. The focus of the exercise is to change a complaint to a request. It is a very structured exercise but it works.
Behaviour Change Request
If you think about it, typically what frustrates you about your partner generally doesn’t bother them. True? When my partner and I did the Behaviour Change Request exercise 35 years ago at the workshop in Chicago, a frustration at that time for me, was that my partner was often late. That didn’t bother her but it did bother me. The key question I was asked was “Why?” “Why does her being late bother you so much?” “What is your hidden fear?”
The Hidden Fear
When I thought about it, where I went in my head when she was late, was that I was not important to her. Or her work was more important than I was. That was not why she was late but that was my reactive response to her being late. I was then asked, does that (her being late or more importantly, my not being important to her) remind you of your childhood. I grew up with an older brother who was very good in both sports and school, so a childhood challenge for me was that I felt I was not good enough. Crystal being late, triggered that old feeling of not being important or of not being good enough.
Triggering Old Hurts
What we know now after all these years is that often a present frustration has roots in the past. It might look different from the outside but it triggers the same feelings we had as children. The Behaviour Change Request exercise helps couples make the connection between the present and past hurts and that any negativity is really a wish in disguise. More importantly it gives some motivation to change once you realize that your present behavior is triggering old hurts. I don’t want to hurt my partner the way she was as a kid, so I am willing to do something that will help.
Steps to Take
Admittedly, the Behaviour Change Request exercise is a very structured approach to frustrations, but in 35 years I have always been able to help couples do something that helps their partner. The exercise at the end of the chapter walks couples through the three step process to deal with a simple frustration. As the exercise suggests: start with the molehill not the mountain.
Exercise Steps
- Ask for an appointment.
- Briefly describe your frustration.
- Come up with 3 SMART (Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Relevant and Time Limited) requests that will eliminate the frustration completely or at least slow it down.
If your partner can do one of the three, that is 100% success. Good luck!
