Zero Negativity in the Space-Between

Where does Zero Negativity fall under the basics for a great relationship? 

The Basics of a Great Relationship

1. Safety
2. Zero Negativity in the Space-Between
3. Refill that space with Positives
4. Couples need to learn to talk to each other safely (in the Imago system we use the Safe Conversation Process). Last week I talked about safety, specifically, one way to increase safety is to increase pleasure. The more nice things you do for your partner – saying nice things and doing nice things – the safer it becomes.

The Idea of Zero Negativity in the Space Between

Typically we think of a relationship as you and you, two people; your challenge is to start thinking of your relationship as the two of you plus the Space-Between you. It is a real energy field and you can tell, can’t you, when there is tension in the Space-Between. It is either tension-free or it is not. There is no middle ground. Every couple I have asked knows intuitively when there is tension between them.

Energy

Quantum theory tells us that our whole, great universe is just energy, but it is all in relationship; it is all connected: Atom to atom, molecule to molecule, planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy. Your little relationship is a microcosm of the vast macrocosm. Putting negativity in the Space-Between causes disconnect, whereas everything about you at the quantum level wants connection.  

The Solution to the Puzzle

This is the piece of the puzzle that folks seem to have the hardest time with because to some degree the negativity can be unconscious. The solution? The two of you have to agree to a) there is too much negativity in the relationship (if that is an issue for you) and b) if so, then commit to eliminating any negativity in the Space-Between, and my encouragement would be for you to go cold turkey – zero negativity in the Space-Between ASAP. The negativity is killing you.   Negativity is to your relationship like cancer is to your body. They both kill.

The Challenge

Now comes the challenge – remember, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if something is negative or not. I might think what I did was fine, but if it doesn’t work for my partner, then I am the one who needs to change. The real challenge is to figure out a way to let your partner know that something didn’t work for you, without them getting their back up even more.

My suggestion for couples, before they start on the process of eliminating all negativity, or as a first step in that direction, is to agree on a word, a phrase or an action that will alert their partner that something didn’t go down well. Both partners have to agree that whatever signal they come up with, won’t cause a reaction. It is just a code word or action that red flags something.

Here is an analogy that might help. Over the March break, we had the grandkids down and ended up working on several jigsaw puzzles. Think of eliminating negativity as you would working on a jigsaw puzzle together. If you get a piece I didn’t, it is a win for both of us. I don’t get upset that you found the missing piece; I am glad because it helps both of us reach our goal, of completing the puzzle. You want to let your partner know when something they did turned up as negative for you to be a win as well.

The Goal: Eliminate All Negativity in the Space Between

Your goal is to eliminate all negativity – like finishing the puzzle. We are all different; what might seem negative to you, might not to me. Letting each other know something didn’t work is like finding a piece to the puzzle. The code word you have decided on, lets you or your partner know in a way that is safe for both of you, that something was perceived as negative. And then you want to correct it as soon as possible.

I have had couples use simple terms like ouch or oops; others have used sporting terms such as offsides, clipping, roughing, etc. You get the idea. You have to come up with some code word or action you both agree on beforehand, to let your partner know that you experienced a negative – without it causing more friction. Then you have to sit down and talk to each other about how to prevent the rupture from taking place in the future which is where the Safe Conversation process comes into play. I will take a look at that in a couple of weeks. Next week: the third basic for a great relationship – refill the Space-Between with positives.