This week we’ll focus on the positives in the Space-Between but we must transition with last week’s blog. Last week I talked about removing all negativity from the Space-Between. Negativity causes disconnect and what you want is connection. I came across a great quote the other day: “The greatest illusion of the universe is the illusion of separation.” Your relationship is part of this beautiful universe of ours – the illusion may be of separation, but everything is in relationship to everything else. At the quantum level, you want connection.
I found this interesting as well. The research suggests that, say a couple had a pretty negative relationship and then they stopped being negative, it would work for a while, but then, apparently, the tendency was to revert back to the old behaviours. It seems nature doesn’t like a vacuum. The solution – refill the Space-Between with positives.
Remove Negativity First
As you begin to remove negativity from your relationship, it is important to intentionally acknowledge the positive qualities that are already in your relationship. Use POSITIVE descriptors to describe your experience of the Space-Between.
Safety, love, trust, sharing, intimacy, being present, approval, closeness, honesty, play etc.
I encourage couples to say these positives out loud. Think about it from your old brain point of view. If you are constantly hearing positives from your partner, your old brain can relax, this is not the enemy over there, it is your partner, your ally; you are on the same team.
This Week’s 4 Step Exercise to Positives
Here is an exercise you can try this week.
- Write down 5 negative words you have said or thought about your partner with an example. He/she is always late (late for dinner last night) or forgetful or controlling, etc.
- Now, write down 5 positive traits or behaviours with examples. He/she is really kind (drove neighbor to the doctor) or funny or hardworking or great with the kids.
- Go back to your list of criticisms. Look at the first negative behaviour on your list. Close your eyes and visualize your partner doing that behaviour. When you have it clearly in mind, release the image and then bring to mind a positive behaviour that your partner has done that you do like.
- Hold the positive image in your mind and note how you feel. In the next few days, if you have a negative thought or memory about something your partner has done, release it and think of something he or she has done that you do like.
Don’t Ignore the Positives
When you focus on your partner’s negative qualities, you tend to ignore the positive traits. For me, it is a bit like changing channels with a remote. If you find yourself thinking about something negative just say STOP, and switch channels and focus on the positive traits you have written down. You can do that. What you pay attention to is what you get.
