What typically brings couples into my office is when things are not going well in their marriage – when there is DANGER. And yes, they have to learn how to deal with things when they go south, but I want couples to live the rest of their lives where it is SAFE.
In Imago we believe the way to increase safety is to increase pleasure, which you would think is a fairly obvious equation; but there is a part of our culture that distrusts if things are too good. We have sayings like: It is too good to be true, or knock on wood, or wait for the next shoe to drop. NO – the more nice things you do for your partner, the safer it becomes.
There is a lot of science to back up the importance of having fun.
Harville, in this chapter, is encouraging couples to lighten up:
“A couple’s wisdom about using humor and joy is critical to their happiness together. The sign of a relationship artist is someone who, even when they are dealing with hot-button issues, can touch on them lightly and bring in a spirit that allows for a mutually satisfactory solution.” (p.111)
And later he states: “It is impossible to laugh and be defended at the same time.” (p.119)
Harville contends: “If you have struggles in your relationship, it’s likely because you:
- Expect your partner to know what you feel, want, and need (without ever telling them) and/or
- Assume that you know how your partner feels and what they want (without ever asking them).
“Assuming your partner can read your mind or attempting to read theirs is as toxic as negativity. … What you’re ultimately communicating to your partner is: ‘You exist to meet MY needs.’ But if mind reading, expecting and assuming are not the things to do – what should we do?” (p.113)
His answer: ASK.
Feeling Loved in Different Ways: An Exercise
Since everyone feels loved in different ways, here is an exercise you can try where you actually ask your partner to let you know how you can best show them your love. You each make two lists. On your first list write down what your partner does for you right now (in the last few months or so) that makes you feel connected, cared for and loved.
On the second list, go back to when you first fell in love. Were there things your partner did for you then but they are not doing now, that made you feel loved? If you have behaviours you want from your partner but have kept secret, here is a chance to let them know that too. Jot everything down, then exchange lists. The Caring Behavior exercise lets you know for sure what works for your partner, because they gave you their list, and they now know what works for you.
Harville concludes: “Some of the behaviours each of you asks for are going to feel easy to do. Some may not. Pick the ones that feel doable, and do them often. And watch your partner’s pleasure blossom and grow.
Caring Behaviours in Marriage
The point is that Caring Behaviours are a gift.
But don’t make the mistake of assuming this means that Caring Behaviours are all fluff. Engaging in them can slowly repair your partner’s heart. Also, requesting what you want shifts you out of the position of being a victim faster than just about anything else in this book will. And you’ll have FUN doing it!” (p.116)
If you think of small children, their natural state is one of happiness, bliss, joy. Imago theory believes we too, in a partnership marriage, are meant to live in this original, blissful JOY.
The moral of the story: the way to increase safety is to increase pleasure. Make your marriage a laughing matter.
Next week – Your Marriage is the Best Life Insurance Plan
