Harville begins this chapter on healthy marriage with:
“From the start, Helen and I believed that a healthy marriage has far-ranging benefits, not just for individuals, but for society. But we didn’t have the facts to prove it. So we began collecting statistics. And we’re constantly finding new studies that confirm what we’ve intuited for years.” (p.122)
He goes on: “We’re becoming aware of the benefits of marriage. Over the last fifty years, scientists have been documenting what has come to be called the ‘marriage advantage’. Why is it called this? Because married people, on average, are healthier, live longer, enjoy higher incomes, and raise healthier families. And this is true for most marriages, whether they are ‘happy’ or not.
What a Healthy Marriage Can Do
The thing is: If just being married offers great benefits, imagine what a healthy marriage can accomplish. It will amplify your marriage advantage, all while creating the partnership of your dreams. What a great incentive for honing the skills to help make your marriage soar.” (p.123-124)
The rest of the chapter outlines what the statistics are saying about the advantages of even run-of-the-mill marriages and the impact on important aspects of life – for example, physical health, raising children, the quality of sex and financial security. Imagine the advantages, he says, of building healthy, strong marriages. “The impacts would be off the charts!” (p.128)
Although Harville doesn’t mention this particular study, it is one that has impressed me over the years. It is an 85 year study out of Harvard, which asks the question: “What makes a good life?”
Benefits
Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist and the director of the study, concludes: The most consistent finding we’ve learned through 85 years of study is: positive relationships keep us happier, healthier and help us live longer. The important thing is connecting – having someone trustworthy to rely on. It is the quality of your close relationships that matter – connecting with people who light you up.
A Suggestion
One suggestion from the study is to practice leaning into healthy relationships and making time for the people who matter most to you. Obviously, this applies in a partnership marriage but it includes other important relationships as well.
Harville credits Mr. Spock, one of his favorite characters in Star Trek, with the vision that has directed his life. “It was Spock’s goodbye blessing that inspired me: ‘Live long and prosper, and let peace be in your land.’ From the beginning of our work together, this blessing summed up why Helen and I do what we do. … What Helen and I want most in the world is to help couples ‘live long and prosper”. (p.122)
I would simply add my Amen to that.
Next week – their Afterword – The Relationship Revolution
