“Finding a pathway to be seen, heard, and valued and to see, hear, and value others involves learning and practicing four skills.” (p.39) The four skills of the Safe Conversations Process include: The Safe Conversation Dialogue, Empathy with everyone, Zero Negativity, and Affirmations. Last week I looked at the Safe Conversations Dialogue. This week let’s explore having empathy with everyone!
“The expression of empathy is the most important connecting skill we humans have. It is our ability to understand and relate to the feelings and perspectives of others. … historically, our success as a race – and our happiness and fulfillment as individuals – depends so much on connecting, communicating, interacting, working, and coexisting with one another.” (p. 75)
The challenge with empathy is to move from judgment to curiosity. For example, it is a mistake to assume you know what your partner wants. You can’t read each other’s mind. The same is true with all relationships.
With empathy comes safety. If I feel judged I tend to get my back up and get defensive. It just feels safer when someone uses empathic statements. Rather than “that doesn’t make sense”; use “I can see how you see it that way”, which doesn’t mean I necessarily agree with the other person, but I have made the effort to see it from their side of the fence. While writing this blog I came across a bit of Stoic wisdom from Ancient Greece and Rome: Curiosity is the antidote to ignorance; seek to learn rather than defend your beliefs.
The authors conclude: “We have found over many years that empathy is appropriate everywhere and under all circumstances. It is fundamentally human.” (p.79)
They then go on to make four subtle but important distinctions between empathy and sympathy.
1. Different impacts
“In sympathy, you share the feelings of others. For example, you feel sad when a friend is sad. But with empathy, you understand the other person’s sadness even though you may not feel sad yourself.” (p.79)
2. The role of cognition
“In sympathy, we often get caught up in the emotions of others with little thinking on our part. … In empathy, we choose to try to understand, and we use cognition to regulate our affect…. Empathy is the experience of both a connection with and a differentiation from the other.” (p.80)
3. Interpersonal dynamic
“The sympathizer takes the active role, and the listener is a passive object. In contrast, empathy is more horizontal and mutual. The empathizer is simply there beside the other person, respecting the space that holds them both.” (p.81)
4. Mutual transformation
“Because of the hierarchical nature of sympathy, there is little transformation, if any, of either the speaker or the listener. In contrast, empathy involves a gentle push-pull that elicits new information and understanding. The act of speaking and empathizing is a way of ‘meaning-making’ for oneself and for one’s partner.” (p.82)
The authors end this chapter with:
“The word empathy emerged in the last one hundred years and became identified as one of the central processes within psychotherapy. This suggests that the spread of the concept also might be signaling a developing consciousness within our nature as a human species. …
It’s time that we realize what a powerful force our capacity for empathy truly is. It invites a Copernican shift away from revolving around ourselves toward an expanded orbit that includes both ourselves and the others who inhabit our universe.” (p.86)
Next week Chapter 5 Practice Zero Negativity
