Coming up to Valentine’s Day – the tools are available in today’s world to have the relationship of your dreams.
So far we have seen the importance of safety. Your old reptilian brain has a 500 million-year track record, you are not going to change it. If you don’t feel safe you will protect yourself. Secondly, we explored the notion of the Space-Between. It is a real energy field and you cannot keep putting negativity into that energy field. You want to connect with your partner but negativity causes disconnect and if it gets too negative then people start to avoid. Why would they go into a toxic space?
The Safe Conversation Process
Today I want to look at the Safe Conversation process. The main way couples communicate is through talking but if it doesn’t feel safe to talk, then what do folks do? They avoid. Because we are all imperfect, there will always be stuff to talk about; the trick is to do it in a safe way.
The structure of the safe conversation process ensures safety and when safety happens, connection can happen. As Harville and Helen state:
“Given its power to transform the personal and the collective, The Safe Conversation Process (Imago Dialogue) is the most important skill set a couple can possess. It is the language of conscious partnerships.” (p. 194 in Doing Imago Relationship in the Space-Between)
The Safe Conversation Process Structure
There are three elements to the structure of the Safe Conversation Process: mirroring, validation, and empathy.
Mirroring
Mirroring is a reflective process that assures your partner that you have heard their perception and experience of the situation. Before you can respond, you need to mirror back what you have heard to their satisfaction; it is a flat mirror, no additions, no subtractions – this is what you heard you say. Is that right?
Validation
Validation simply means that you recognize and accept that the other person has also had an experience, and that his or her point of view, while it may be different from yours, has equal validity. ‘It makes sense that is what you would say or that is how you see it!’ reflects the other person’s experience.
Empathy
Empathy is the communication to another person that you hear and understand his or her feelings and that they make sense. Empathy might be expressed in the following manner: ‘Given that (what your partner has just told you about), I can imagine you might be feeling (use a word or two to describe what they might be feeling.)’ Then check it out: ‘Is that what you’re feeling?
Mastering the Safe Conversation Process
“The third element of the combination lock to a successful relationship is the essential skill you need to master – the Safe Conversation Process. You must learn how to talk with your partner in a safe way. … If your old brain senses danger, it will react, using the fight, flight, or freeze responses. In a conscious relationship you need to respond, not react; the structure of the Safe Conversation Process ensures safety. It is a way of talking without criticizing, listening without judging, and connecting through your differences.” (p.25)
Next week, the last piece of the combination lock: The System – Imago
Relationship Therapy. The Past Affects the Present
