On to Truth 6: Negativity is Invisible Abuse from Making Marriage Simple
For the last four or five years I have tried to help couples understand what I now believe is the the fastest way forward for their relationship, which is to protect the Space Between. Your relationship consists of the two of you plus the Space Between you. It is a real energy field and you can tell, can’t you, when there is tension in the Space Between? It is either tension free or it is not; there is no middle ground. What causes the tension? Any negativity! Negativity causes disconnect and what you want in your relationship is connection.
Invisible Abuse
Helen calls negativity ‘invisible abuse’. “Our definition of negativity is any words, tone of voice, facial expression (such as rolling your eyes), or behaviour your partner says feels negative to them”. (p.72) That is an important point because it is your partner who decides if you are being negative or not.
“You might say you’re only joking. But if it doesn’t feel good to your partner, you need to CUT IT OUT. Negativity makes your partner feel unsafe. Without safety in your relationship, your partner will never grow. And your relationship will never be transformed.” (p.73)
She goes on to point out three key ways couples can unknowingly slip into negativity. “They are: 1) critical thinking, 2) competition, and 3) oh dear, heaven forbid, ‘constructive criticism’.” (p.73)
Critical Thinking
Obviously critical thinking is important and has its place in our world. That place is just not in your marriage.
“We’re generally the most critical of our partner when they aren’t acting or reacting to things the way we think they should. And this annihilates your partner. So in our workshops, we tell our couples: Your partner is NOT you. Because when you’re critical about how your partner acts or reacts, you’re really getting upset at them for not being you. … You have to accept that you are two different people, with different preferences and different ways of doing things. Unfortunately, having differences makes it easy to slip into …” (p.74-75)
Competition
Competition is the second way negativity shows up. “The obvious way couples are competitive is when each one asserts that they are ‘right’ (read: superior) and the other is ‘wrong’ (read: inferior). But here’s an interesting little twist on competition that most don’t think about. You can be competitive about who is the worst too.” (p.76) Whose parents were the worst growing up? Whose life was tougher? etc.
“The bottom line is this: When you feel superior to your partner (whether it is because you believe you’re better OR because you feel they didn’t have it as bad as you did) this is a sure sign you’re in competition.” (p.77)
Constructive Criticism
The third way couples slip into negativity is by constructive criticism. Obviously, constructive criticism has its place; again, it’s just not in your relationship.
“Let us assure you. There are plenty of people – siblings, bosses, friends, your children, parents – who stand ready and willing to give constructive criticism to your partner. You don’t have to be one of them. Your partner is struggling not only with their childhood, but with day-to-day issues. They need an advocate and that’s where you come in.” (p.78)
Next week I’ll continue this chapter and look at how Harville and Helen broke their addiction to negativity and then designed a new exercise that helped them focus on what they actually liked about each other.
