Moving on to Truth 8
Brain science tells us “that the brain can be divided into two parts: the lower brain, which we call the Crocodile, and the higher brain, which we call the Owl. The lower brain is often referred to as the reptilian center of the brain. Like the Crocodile, it is highly reactive. It responds spontaneously without stopping to analyze a situation.” (p. 100)… “Fortunately, you also have your higher brain. We call it the Owl, and it can help you control your Crocodile. It wouldn’t seem as though a feathered friend could make much headway against the Croc’s muscular power. But the Owl’s ability to observe and strategize can run circles around the Crocodile.” (p.101)
Unconscious Brain
I would characterize most relationships as unconscious, old brain, and reactive. Certainly mine was before we started doing this work. What I help couples in the office achieve, is to move toward a more conscious, new brain and intentional relationship. I often tell couples my main job is to help them become more conscious, more aware. If they can step back and look at what they are doing, and if it is counter-productive, they can make different choices. I use myself as an example. In those first fifteen years of our marriage, if my wife came on too strong I would shut down. When I stepped back and looked at that behaviour, it was pretty counter-productive but I did it for a long time.
Harville goes on: “You may think you’ve got no control over such an instinctual reaction (from your crocodile brain). But you do! You have the power to choose which part of your brain to use when interacting with and responding to your partner.” (p.104)
Years ago, Viktor Frankl, a Jewish psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, reminds us: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing – the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.”
Negative Brain
A dictum of Imago is: Anything negative by appointment only. Personally, I encourage couples to err on the side of anything potentially negative by appointment only. What that did for me when my partner asked for an appointment, was it gave me a second to get intentional. I wasn’t going to react; I just wanted to know what was going on for her. This helped create the space Frankl talked about – the space between the stimulus and my response.
An Exercise
The exercise at the end of the chapter encourages the reader to take some time to first – quiet your mind and relax. Then bring to mind something about your partner that disturbs you. Hold that in your mind for a couple of breaths then let it go and immediately bring up something you love about your partner and keep that in mind for five deep breaths. You begin to realize you have a choice about what you focus on. Your energy will follow your attention. By focusing on the positive you are rewiring your brain and creating new neural pathways to support the work you are doing.
