You can heal the past by being present for each other.
Helen is writing this chapter, piggybacking on Chapter 3 Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen. She begins:
“Now, finally (drum roll, please), we get to the heart of what seems to be part of the universal mystery. There is an amazing thing that happens when we transform the energy of conflict into growth, allowing us to answer the true calling of committed partnership. You become your partner’s healer – and they become yours. As you start listening to your partner in a new way, you will realize an important fact: Your partner’s needs are a blueprint for your own healing and growth – and your needs are a blueprint for your partner’s.” (P49)
Imago Understanding of Relationships
The magic, and mystery, of the Imago understanding of relationships, is that we tend to be attracted to a partner who challenges us in the same way we were challenged as kids. This is not about blaming parents. All parents do the best they can do, but humankind has just not yet figured out how to meet all of our children’s needs all the time. So we all have unmet needs – some more serious than others. If it stays unconscious, it can be a recipe for disaster. But if we can reframe it, and become more conscious, it is a chance for each partner to meet the needs of the other that weren’t met well growing up, and in so doing grow themselves.
Helen suggests:
“The common way of thinking about relationships goes something like this. When a relationship is in trouble, it’s assumed that one or both of the people need ‘fixing’. So they go to a therapist. Or they buy books about fixing one or the other (and it’s usually the other). The belief is that each individual in the partnership has to get healthy in order to create a healthy relationship.
Harville and I flipped that idea on its head. We believe that if a relationship is in trouble, the couple needs to focus on healing the relationship. Not on themselves. In fact, Harville and I would assert that the best way to heal a relationship is not to repair the two people, but the Space Between them.” (pp.33-34)
The Space Between
What is this Space Between she is talking about?
“It is a cosmic energy field that supports you both in your relationship. Just as physics is part of the physical world, we believe there is a physics that governs the Space Between you and your partner. Every word, tone of voice, every glance, affects the Space Between. Even the unspoken communication of your body language (called nonverbal cues) contributes to this energy field. …
Your goal is to make the Between safe. This means loving and empathizing with each other through it all. Yes, we mean ALL! Your partner’s fun and happy feelings, and their not so fun ones. …
When two people make the Space Between truly Sacred Space, that’s when the healing can happen.
By Sacred Space, we mean space that is absolutely holy. The Between may look like ordinary air. But don’t ever treat it in an ordinary way. Your relationship needs to be the most important thing in the world to you. Never, never, never violate the Space Between with anything that will hurt your relationship. Truly think of it as holy ground. (pp.54-56)
How will this healing she is talking about happen? The key to the
transformation is SAFETY.
“By safety, we mean two people living in relationship with neither feeling hurt, criticized, or put down by the other. When your partner doesn’t feel safe, they put up their defenses. When this happens, you may think you’ve been living with your partner, but you’ve actually been living with their defenses. If you can help your partner feel safe, they will soon drop their defenses to come out and play! Only then can they do the work they need to do. … Healing happens only in a safe environment; without safety, healing won’t happen.” (P.54)
Healing the Past
Going back to the title for this chapter – Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past – my being present to my partner in a completely safe way allows her to become all that she is capable of becoming. Remember I said we are all bent out of shape a bit (some more than others), so we all are in need of healing. Making the Space Between a safe place allows that healing to take place.
In conclusion then, if it is true that:
“We were all wounded in relationship. (Then) we can heal only in relationship. This is why we have to answer the call to become each other’s healers. And it all hinges on what we choose to put into the Space Between.”(p.57)
Your mantra for this week: NO BLAME, SHAME, OR CRITICISM IN YOUR BETWEEN.
Next week Chapter 5 It’s not WHAT you say; it’s HOW you say it.
