The Space Between: A Quantum Perspective
As a relationship coach, I start here because I truly believe that the fastest way forward for any couple is to pay close attention to the space between them: it is a real energy field.
“In their book Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between, Harville, and Helen examine, in some detail, what we know broadly as the quantum theory of the universe. They focus on the relational interpretation of quantum theory, which is a reality made up of relations rather than objects. As they state in their book, ‘The problems couples bring to our offices are not located inside themselves, where they have been since the founding of psychotherapy in the late nineteenth century. They are located in their interactions with each other, in the space between them.’(p.xiv)
The Quantum Nature of Space and Time
I am certainly not an expert on the quantum nature of space and time, but I can appreciate the idea that everything in this vast universe of ours is mostly energy, and it is all connected. As applied to relationships, see if the importance of connection makes sense to you.” (pp.1-2)
Typically we think of a couple as two people – you and you. My challenge to you is to rethink that paradigm; instead, think of a couple as two people plus the Space-Between them. It is a real energy field isn’t it? And you can tell when there is tension in the Space-Between. It is either tension free or it is not; there is no middle ground.
“The Space-Between is not a vacuum; it is filled with energy, and this energy can work for you in a positive way or against you in a very negative way, but it is not neutral. Every couple I have asked about this concept agrees; they intuitively know when there is tension between them.
If you want a successful relationship, you must work at developing a positive space that will enhance and help your connection. At the same time, you want to eliminate any blame, shame or criticism in the Space-Between. Negativity causes disconnect, and what you want is connection.”(p.2)
Negativity
That last line is really important. Negativity causes disconnect, and what you want is connection. If the Space-Between becomes too negative, people start to avoid it. Why would they go into a toxic space? Negativity is to your relationship like cancer is to your body. They both kill!!!
“An analogy might be to think of your relationship as a still pond of water – calm, smooth, quiet. If you throw a stone into that pond, it will send ripples out in all directions. The same goes for the Space-Between. If you put a negative interaction into the Space-Between, it will affect your partner; like the ripples in the pond, your partner can’t block them. One negative interaction might not do too much damage; fifty negative interactions will do serious harm.” (pp.2-3)
“Negativity is invisible abuse; it includes any words, tone of voice, facial expressions (such as rolling your eyes), or behavior your partner experiences a negative reaction to, even if they might not say so. … It is the person on the receiving end who determines whether an interaction is negative or not.” (p.3)
Zero Negativity
“The flip side of the zero-negativity coin is to amplify the positives – to refill the Space-Between with positives.” (p.3)
“The first important piece of the combination to a successful relationship in your playbook is to visualize your relationship as the two of you plus the Space-Between you. It is sacred space, holy ground. Commit to zero negativity – no blame, shame, or criticism, – in the Space-Between and commit to refill the Space-Between with verbal appreciations and affirmations on a daily basis.” (p.5)
In the book then, I go on to add a worksheet for readers to follow to help them implement the ideas of this first chapter. Exercise 1 asks them to track any negativity for a week or month in some visual way: stickers, check marks, etc. The goal being Zero Negativity! Exercise 2 encourages them to amplify the positives – three appreciations every day to start with. Exercise 3 challenges them to begin a gratitude journal and Exercise 4 returns to more specific ways to share appreciations with their partner.
Next week the second piece of the combination to a successful relationship – The Zone of Safety.