a What does the Safe Conversation Dialogue have to do with our brains? Lots, apparently! How? It can ”contribute to a more relaxed and healthier brain,” (p.211). That statement makes a lot of sense to me.
For years I taught Stress Management courses at St. Clair College. Stress is an evolutionary response to danger. If a saber tooth tiger comes at you, you had better be ready or you are lunch. The stress response puts every molecule of our body on high alert, but our bodies are not meant to be on high alert 24/7 and the detrimental effects of stress in today’s world are well documented – high blood pressure, cancers, heart disease etc. The problem is our old reptilian brain doesn’t differentiate what the danger is.
Typically your partner is not out to kill you, but your old brain doesn’t know that. It just senses danger and goes on high alert. That is one piece of the puzzle. The Safe Conversation process gives couples a safe way to talk about issues which removes stress, and contributes to a more relaxed and healthier brain. After all, your home should be the antidote to stress not the cause of it!
Here is another piece of the puzzle. We know now (in the last 20 – 25 years) from neuroscience that “our brains are organs that can and do change – and that how we choose to think and speak is a part of that process.” (p. 211) This process, whereby the brain reorganizes and forms new neural connections, is called neuroplasticity. “Safe Conversations can work as a daily exercise for improving your relationships, which improves your emotional well-being, your physical wellness, and your brain. Our process gives you the ability to harness the power of neuroplasticity.” (P.213)
How to Train Healthy Brains
“To train your brain, you must focus on positive things, including problem-solving and goal-setting, instead of negative things like frustrations and setbacks. What you focus on is what you get. You may have to think about that twice to get it: what you have is a function of your choice. This is why expressing appreciation and converting your frustrations into requests is so important.”(p.213) Remember our brains have a negativity bias. For thousands of years, our ancestors lived in an environment that was not very safe. They could not afford the luxury of not expecting the worst if something unfamiliar happened. And our brains still work that way.
While Harville and Helen recognize that our brains are the most complicated organs in the universe, to simplify matters, they teach that the brain has two parts: what they name the Crocodile Brain the and Wise Owl Brain. “The function of the Crocodile Brain is to keep us alive and defend us from harm. So if it senses danger, it will respond with fight, flight or freeze. These are built-in mechanisms to protect us when we perceive danger (whether it’s real or not)” (p.216). “Practicing the Safe Conversation Dialogue rescues you from the Crocodile Brain mode and invites you to think, feel, and operate from the neocortex, which we call the Wise Owl Brain mode.’ (p.216)
“When you mirror someone, you escape the negative energy of the Crocodile Brain and an unproductive my-way-or-the-highway attitude. Instead, you operate from the Wise Owl Brain and tap into curiosity rather than self-righteousness.” (p.217)
The Making of Healthier Brains
So yes, using the Safe Conversation Dialogue has a lot to do with making healthy brains. “When you feel seen, heard, and valued, your need is met and you feel loved and peaceful or love and peace. When this need is not met (for example, you feel invisible, ignored, and devalued), you feel heartache.”(p.215)
Here’s to healthy brains! This will be my last Live Facebook this year. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and will make 2025 a great year. Next will be Chapter 12 Healthy Relationships
