Chapter 12: Healthy Relationships

In this last chapter, the authors give several real-world examples of how healthy relationships can be achieved in the Safe Conversation Process. The Safe Conversation process can be used in the modern workplace which is often polarized and stressful. “Using the Safe Conversation Dialogue process will improve your ability to achieve goals with individuals and teams. We call this achieving “relationship competency”, which is the ability to interact successfully with others by engaging and connecting beyond your differences.” (P. 21)

Achieving Relational Competency in Healthy Relationships

Relational competency turns conversations like this: “Hey, Jason, the idea you presented in the meeting about consolidating the sales and marketing team meetings was my idea, and you presented it as your own! That was a jerk move!” to “Hi, Jason, Are you available now to chat about the meeting earlier today? I wanted to talk about the idea you presented, the one about consolidating the sales and marketing team meetings. Is now a good time?” (pp. 231-232) In other words, “there are productive ways to deal with issues at work and in life if you are willing to let go of your right to be cranky and embrace your right to be wise.” (p.233)

Applying the Safe Conversation Process

The three takeaways from this chapter for me in helping folks apply the Safe Conversation process in everyday life, whether at home or in the workplace  were:

1. If you feel defensive, a good rule of thumb is to mirror. Rather than defend yourself or give your response, first mirror, “This is what I heard you say, did I get it?”  
2. If you have a frustration or something negative to discuss, begin with an appreciation first. “I really appreciate the way you  …” then “What I want to discuss, or share, is …”
3. As the receiver, ask “Is there more?” Sometimes we have so many ideas running around in our head, we are not even sure what exactly we are thinking. Asking “Is there more?” gives the sender a chance to nuance their thinking and helps them to make sure they have said all they need to say in the way they really want to say it, and allows the receiver to shift from judgment to curiosity and wonder. 

Next week, in the Conclusion of their book How to Talk with Anyone about Anything, Harville and Helen share their vision of how the Safe Conversation Process can usher in the next stage in human social evolution.