Truth #2 Incompatibility is Grounds for Marriage
Usually we hear that the other way around – incompatibility is grounds for divorce. From his experience though, Harville tells us: “It’s as if there is a universal design and, mysteriously, our incompatibility seems to be a key piece of this plan. As you’ll see, incompatibility plays a crucial role in preparing you and your partner to meet each other’s needs.” (p.24)
He goes on: “the fact is we’re drawn to people who are, in certain ways, our polar opposites. This is why Romantic Love needs to be such a powerful force. Without it, we’d see the truth of incompatibility right away – and run screaming in the other direction!” (p.24)
It is not that couples don’t have things in common, they do, “but we’ve found that couples are incompatible in two basic ways, how they 1) relate to structure versus freedom, and 2) handle stress and conflict.” (p.27)
Structure and Freedom
Think of you and your partner when it comes to structure and freedom. Often one partner wants more structure and planning while the other enjoys being more spontaneous. Harville gives a number of examples of how he and Helen are quite different in that department. Similarly he says,
“early in our work, Helen and I discovered that people’s reaction to stress and conflict fall into one of two categories: Minimizing or Maximizing. When Minimizers are anxious, they tend to pull their reactions deep inside. They contain their energy. We call this person the Turtle, because their pulling inward is similar to a turtle retreating into its shell. When Maximizers are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range. We call this person the Hailstorm – because when you’re on the receiving end, it can feel as though you’re getting pelted with golf-ball-sized hail.” (p.28)
The Hailstorm says to the turtle “talk to me, talk to me, talk to me”. What is the turtle doing except going deeper and deeper into his or her shell because that is where they feel safe? I was certainly the turtle in our relationship.
A Major Turning Point
Harville concludes with: “A major turning point came when Helen and I finally realized that we didn’t have to be victims of the Turtle/Hailstorm dynamic. We had control over how much her Hailstorm hails, and how much my Turtle withdraws. Yes, you and your partner have the power to make this law of nature work on your behalf.” (p.31)
Going back to the comment “that incompatibility plays a crucial role in preparing you and your partner to meet each other’s needs” (p.24, Harville ends this chapter with:
“Although our incompatibility is largely what draws us to our partner (unconsciously, of course), ironically, both partners need to learn how to be more like each other. And this includes those parts they find most annoying!
As the Turtle becomes more storm-like, and the Hailstorm becomes more turtle-like, balance is restored. In addition, these newly cultivated skills help each of you become better human beings in the world.
It’s amazing to realize that we hold the key to how much our Turtle withdraws and how hard our Hailstorm hails. Working with this incompatibility helps us heal each other’s childhood wounds. Giving our partner what they need grows new qualities within ourselves, which helps us build psychological and emotional strength. That we can do this for each other – acting as both catalysts and companions on this journey – is the true mystery and miracle of love relationships.” (p.34)
The exercise at the end of this chapter gives suggestions on how to Coax the Turtle out and Calm the Hailstorm Down.
