The 12 days of Christmas Relationship Tips
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Create Safety
Sounds simple, but safety is one of the keys to a great relationship. Here we are hopefully using the cerebral cortex part of our brain, but we all also have the midbrain – which does all kinds of things, and the brain stem. Scientists tell us that all animals have a brain stem – birds, fish, mammals, and reptiles. They call it the reptilian brain, the old brain, or the brain stem. It has been around for 500 million years, you are not going to change it. Its main function is to keep us alive – it asks the question – is it safe or dangerous? And if dangerous, it will defend itself.
Here is my challenge. Think about how relationships are often depicted in our culture – movies, TV, those magazines at the checkout counter, and in real life, but think about it from your old brain’s point of view. If I attack you, yell at you, shut down or don’t talk or make fun of you, what are you going to do except defend yourself? You see it all the time. All I am saying is these tactics don’t work. Couples have to learn to talk to each other in a safe way.
First of the Relationship Tips:
Set an expectation of zero negativity because negativity causes disconnect, and our whole goal as humans is to connect. Here is a challenge for you, if something does land as negative, create a non-judgmental signal that lets your partner know that something didn’t work that won’t get either of your backs up even more. Ideally, you would then talk to each other (in a safe way) so that it won’t happen again.
