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John Sullivan Counselling

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

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Holiday Relationship Tips: 1

The 12 days of Christmas Relationship Tips

  1. Create Safety

old brain

Sounds simple, but safety is one of the keys to a great relationship. Here we are hopefully using the cerebral cortex part of our brain, but we all also have the midbrain – which does all kinds of things, and the brain stem. Scientists tell us that all animals have a brain stem – birds, fish, mammals, and reptiles. They call it the reptilian brain, the old brain, or the brain stem. It has been around for 500 million years, you are not going to change it. Its main function is to keep us alive – it asks the question – is it safe or dangerous? And if dangerous, it will defend itself.

Here is my challenge. Think about how relationships are often depicted in our culture – movies, TV, those magazines at the checkout counter, and in real life, but think about it from your old brain’s point of view. If I attack you, yell at you, shut down or don’t talk or make fun of you, what are you going to do except defend yourself? You see it all the time. All I am saying is these tactics don’t work. Couples have to learn to talk to each other in a safe way. 

First of the Relationship Tips:

Set an expectation of zero negativity because negativity causes disconnect, and our whole goal as humans is to connect.  Here is a challenge for you, if something does land as negative, create a non-judgmental signal that lets your partner know that something didn’t work that won’t get either of your backs up even more. Ideally, you would then talk to each other (in a safe way) so that it won’t happen again.  

 

 

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Relationship Issues

Chap. 6 (con’t) Mechanics of the Power Struggle

The last part of Chapter 6 The Imago; the Search for Original Connecting deals with what happens between partners when they are locked in the power struggle. Our brain has a negativity bias. This makes sense if you think of our history as humans. For thousands of years, our primal brain was on the lookout […]

Chap. 6 (con’t): 3 Stages of Relationships

In intimate relationships, we call the 3 stages: Romantic love, The Power Struggle, and Adaptation/Resolution. The first 2 are covered in the rest of this chapter and the adaptation/resolution stage will be examined in Chapter 7. Here is something I never knew before.  “All relationships, like life, go through stages. Intimate relationships and other significant […]

Chapter 6 con’t: An Imago Match

Let’s continue our discussion with the Imago Match, from last’s week’s blog. Here is an interesting question for you. “What leads us to choose that one person (or maybe two or three or four) to spend our lives with out of the countless others we could have chosen?” (p.129) Not a bad question really! Why […]

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About The Coach

That's how he likes to think of himself - a coach. John Sullivan won't fix your relationship. He gives you the tools to help you build permanent and lasting connections and a deeper intimacy with those in your life.

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