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John Sullivan Counselling

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

P: 519-966-1408   C: 226-346-2503
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Zero Negativity

Zero Negativity is the last piece of the combination lock to having the relationship of your dreams.

The first four Keys to the Lock are:

  1. The past affects the present
  2. Safety – your lower brain/brain stem
  3. The Safe Conversation Process – mirroring, validation and empathy
  4. The Space Between

Eliminate All Negativity

In a conscious relationship you want to commit to eliminating ALL negativity – 0negativity – from the Space Between. No blame, shame or criticism – either intentional or accidental. Negativity is defined as any “put down” or any transaction that ruptures the connection between partners. AND, this is important, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if a transaction is negative. I could say I was just kidding, but if it hurts my partner, I need to change. I don’t want to hurt my partner the way she was as a kid or any other
way, so if I say or do something, or act in a way that is not helpful, I need to change.

The tricky piece here is couples have to find a way to indicate to their partner that a rupture has occurred, without getting their partner’s back up – without either person getting defensive. It could be a hand signal or a word or phrase that is neutral, that you both agree would be acceptable – ouch, offsides, roughing, that didn’t work, can we do a retake on that, you are in the wrong lane – some indication that one person felt some negativity. Try a phrase or word for a week and see if it works; if not, try s different signal.

At the beginning check in at the end of the day to see if either of you experienced anything negative and let your partner  know. As you become better at it, you can do a redo immediately. The goal is to keep the Space Between free of all negativity – forever. If you want to measure the quality of your relationship, I good place to start might be the safety in the Space Between.

Filed Under: Blog

Relationship Issues

No. 1 The Perfectionist

Are you a perfectionist or reformer? The Enneagram suggests that there are 9 basic human types. The different types are characterized by the numbers 1-9 as points on a circle. As humans, we all participate in all the types. You can start to figure out your type as the  number “where the traffic is heaviest”. […]

The Enneagram

I often tell couples that half of what I do in the office is to help them become more conscious – more aware, and while much of what we do is couple’s stuff, some of it is individual stuff. We are all bent out of shape to some degree or other and part of my […]

Shifting Your Relationship Vision to Agenda

One of the first things I ask couples to do when they come to the office is to create a Relationship Vision. If their relationship worked out just the way they wanted, what would it look like? Even couples who are conflicted know what they want. I have each partner write statements beginning with we, […]

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About The Coach

That's how he likes to think of himself - a coach. John Sullivan won't fix your relationship. He gives you the tools to help you build permanent and lasting connections and a deeper intimacy with those in your life.

Services

  • Marriage Counselling – Windsor
  • Couples Therapy – Windsor
  • Relationship Coaching – Windsor
  • Imago Therapy

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P: 519-966-1408 C: 226-346-2503 john@johnsullivancounselling.com
Hours - Mon-Fri 9am to 8pm
Sat. 9am to 5pm

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