In our culture, generally, that statement reads “Incompatibility is grounds for divorce”. Harville, who is writing this chapter, flips it upside down. Yes, in the romantic love phase of a relationship, it tends to be the things two people have in common that attracts them together and that makes for a strong bond. He goes on to say:
“People want to believe they’ve fallen in love with someone who is a lot like them. But the fact is we’re drawn to people who are, in certain ways, our polar opposites. This is why Romantic Love needs to be such a powerful force. Without it, we’d see the truth of our incompatibility right away – and run screaming in the other direction!”(p.24)
Common Ground and Incompatibility
While two people may have a lot of things in common, “we’ve found that couples are incompatible in two basic ways, how they:
- relate to structure versus freedom
- handle stress and conflict.”(p.27)
Structure Vs. Freedom
I see number one in the office every day. All couples need to sort out how much distance and how much closeness they, as a couple, need. And it differs for every couple. My big Ah-Ha moment around this issue, came some months after we started our Imago journey. I tended to want more closeness; Crystal needed more distance. In my little mind, I would think, why can’t she just turn around and move closer to me. The Ah ha moment came when I realized, why can’t I just give her more space. It was just as hard for her to turn around and come toward me, as it was for me to back off and let her have her space. But, when I did back off a bit, it gave her the space to turn toward me, which she could then do, and did.
Handling Stress & Conflict
As for number two, Harville goes on:
“People’s reaction to stress and conflict fall into one of two categories: Minimizing or Maximizing. When Minimizers are anxious, they tend to pull their reactions deep inside. They contain their energy. We call this person the Turtle because their pulling inward is similar to a turtle retreating into its shell. When Maximizers are anxious, they tend to express themselves loudly to whoever is in hearing range. We call this person the Hailstorm – because when you’re on the receiving end, it can feel as though you’re getting pelted with golf-ball-sized hail.” (p.28)
Safety
I was certainly the turtle in our relationship. My partner was never a big hailstorm, but if there was an issue, she would want to discuss it. My reactive response was to close down. It was my unconscious way of trying to stay safe—to stay alive.
My dad had died when I was five, and I was sent to a military boarding school. Since there was no kindergarten, I was put into grade one. I was a small five-year-old, and everyone else was six; I just learned to stay below the radar. That is how I survived back then; but this strategy was not effective in our intimate relationship. As the Turtle in our relationship, I needed to learn to stick my nose out a bit more, and my partner had to learn to give me a bit of space and time to know it was safe to come out from under my shell.
Harville concludes, “Like the trick of Romantic Love, Turtle/Hailstorm physics are a law of nature. It always works exactly like this: The deeper a Turtle withdraws into its shell, the more the Hailstorm will hail. The more the Hailstorm hails, the deeper the Turtle withdraws.” (p.30)
Incompatibility and Living Together
So how do two incompatible people learn to live together? First, “It’s important to recognize your differences in a nonjudgmental way”. (p.28) One person is not right and the other wrong – they are just different. In another place, the authors list what “Conscious Partners Know”, a list I will explore at some point. Some of their conclusions fit here:
- They (conscious partners) have complimentary natural defenses, and they accept that fact about each other, without judgment.
- They are different from each other and will never be the same. Similarity is as good as it gets.
- They can assume that their partner’s intentions are good, even if their behavior is not.
- They need to be sensitive to their different needs for space and togetherness.
Harville concludes this chapter with: “Although our incompatibility is largely what draws us to our partner (unconsciously, of course), ironically, both partners need to learn how to be more like each other … As the Turtle becomes more storm-like, and the Hailstorm becomes more turtle-like, balance is restored. In addition, these newly cultivated skills help each of you become better human beings in the world.” (p.34)
Next week I’ll explore Chapter 3 Conflict Is Growth Trying to Happen.
