The third piece of the Safe Conversation Process is the commitment to practice zero negativity. The ZN commitment came relatively late into the core Imago theory – maybe in the last 8 or 10 years. Still, I truly believe, it is the fastest way forward for any couple, and by extension for any relationship. The authors state:
“We had discovered that any thriving relationship has to have one nonnegotiable quality: safety. And it is obvious that safety and negativity are incompatible. … We now give it (ZN) the status ‘nonnegotiable’ if you want a great relationship.” (p.91)
Zero Negativity (ZN) Committment
“ZN essentially involves eliminating put-downs, name-calling, eye rolls, or any other form of shame, blame, or criticism of anyone with whom you communicate each day. That’s what we decided to do for each other, and we recommend it to everyone, everywhere – at work, at worship, at play, in the classroom, the halls of Congress – all human ecosystems.” (p.92)
When you look around though, there does tend to be a lot of negativity, would you not agree? Why? Our brain has a negativity bias. Think about it. For thousands of years, all humans lived in a pretty dangerous and hostile environment. The main purpose of our reptilian brain is to keep us alive so the safest response tended to be – everything was considered dangerous until proven to be safe. Otherwise you could be lunch.
Security Systems
“Although we now have security systems – police, sheriffs, military – that default negativity bias is still in place, and we have to manage it all the time. So your problem with negativity is not your fault. It is just your brain trying to protect you.
Knowing all this does not excuse any of us for not looking for a better way. The best protection now is to use the SC Dialogue process to talk about your differences and collaborate on win-win solutions”. (p.94)
I always tell clients, that a good rule of thumb, a good starting place to implement zero negativity is: if you feel defensive, mirror. Rather than defend yourself, simply mirror back what you heard the other person say.
The rest of their chapter offers guidelines for dealing with negativity when you feel targeted.
TAKE THE PLEDGE
Taking a zero negativity pledge (for 30 days) encourages you to focus on treating others around you with a positive, hopeful, and gracious attitude.
COUNTERING NEGATIVITY WITH THE ZERO NEGATIVITY RECONNECTING PROCESS
Say Something
“Don’t assume that those who say negative things to you know you’re upset. Some people are so consistently negative that they have no awareness of it. …so let the negative person know that they’ve crossed your boundary with their negative comments.” (p.95)
Follow a reconnecting process that works for you
They offer five examples of handling a negative interaction that has occurred, from asking for a do-over to offering a way to reconnect – let’s have a coffee, to suggesting using the Safe Conversation process.
TURN FRUSTRATIONS INTO REQUESTS
For example,
“Share your frustration as an objective experience, not as a criticism. … ‘As your supervisor, I become frustrated when you don’t respond promptly to my emails.’ This is just reporting a fact; it does not contain any reference to the person’s character’. And then suggest ways that the other person can alleviate your frustrations by offering solutions, shifting from a negative to a positive track, and moving from conflict to connection. … An example of a concrete solution would be to say, ‘my only request is that you immediately acknowledge when you have received my emails. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing and find answers to my questions or resolve the issues in the email; just let me know that it’s on your to-do list. (pp.100-101)
COUNTER NEGATIVITY WITH LAUGHTER
As they say, and I would agree, “Laughter truly is the best medicine in many situations.”(p.104)
Next week the fourth piece of the puzzle – The Practice of Affirmations
