I imagine we have all probably heard the saying “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” Helen, who is writing this chapter, takes this idea to a whole new level. In her last chapter, Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past, she challenged us to answer the call to become each other’s healers. She goes on:
“Before we can take on all this healing, however, we HAVE to learn a new way to talk. What’s the old way? It’s what humans have been doing since the dawn of time. It’s called monologue: where one person at a time is talking but no one is really listening. When couples do it, it’s called parallel monologue. Two people talking. No one listening.”(p.60)
Sound familiar? I think we all have been guilty of that at one time or another.
Safe Conversation
Where is she going with this? To the basic skill we all use as Imago Relationship Therapists – The Imago Dialogue Process now called the Safe Conversation Process.
Listening
“Our culture does not reward people for listening. So, even during the best of times, our listening skills are pretty rusty. … Dialogue changes all that. The Power Struggle ruptures connection. Dialogue sustains and deepens connection. Dialogue is a structured way of talking and listening that builds connection between you and your partner. It is this connection that enables you to heal your childhood wounds.”(pp.60-61)
The Safe Conversation Process
For sure, the Safe Conversation Process is a structured way to communicate. And, especially at first, it will feel awkward and contrived, but it is the very structure of the process that ensures safety. Remember what we said in the last chapter: “Healing happens only in a safe environment. Without safety, healing won’t happen.” (p.53)
The Safe Conversation is a 3-step process. Mirroring, Validating and Empathizing
Safe Conversation 3-Step Process
Step One: Mirroring
Before the Receiver can speak, they need to repeat back to the Sender the content of the Sender’s message to the Sender’s satisfaction. “After the Sender confirms that the Receiver mirrored accurately, the Receiver asks, “Is there more?” (p.64) This is the great gift the Receiver gives the Sender. “It shows that you’re curious. And makes your partner feel safe. The safer they feel, the more willing they will be to share much deeper things with you.”(p.64)
Step Two: Validating
“Validating means that you ‘get’ your partner’s point of view. The Receiver does so by sincerely saying: ‘You make sense.” (p.65) You don’t necessarily have to agree with your partner, but you do need to acknowledge that they make sense from their perspective. “When you as the Receiver validate your partner, you’re giving your partner the message that: ‘you have a right to feel and think the way you do.’ Given that you’re actually married to another person, your partner does have that right!” (p.65)
Step Three: Empathizing
“Now it’s time for the Receiver to empathize with the Sender by suggesting a word or two that they think would describe the Sender’s emotional state. … Then ask your partner if you got their feelings right. … It makes such a difference when we experience ourselves being listened to with empathy rather than judgment.” (pp.66-67)
This chapter is entitled: It’s not WHAT you say; it’s HOW you say it. The Safe Conversation Process is the HOW. It is a great tool to have in your relationship toolbox, especially when there is a charge on an issue. Like any skill, it will take some practice but the structure ensures you will be able to communicate with your partner in a safe way.
“Mirroring is about establishing contact with your partner. Validating creates connection. And Empathizing moves you into communion. This is the act of transforming your relationship into a Sacred Space.” (p.68)
Next week Negativity is Invisible Abuse.
