Last week when we began the discussion about The Imago Therapist, the authors asked four questions. The answers to which would influence how I and other Imago therapists work with couples. I went on to say that we all, at some level, whether consciously or unconsciously have also answered those questions, and that our answers influence how we treat ourselves and others. The questions were: what do we believe about the nature of the universe, the nature of human nature, the cause of suffering and lastly what does a thriving relationship look like? Pretty heavy sledding but there you go.
Practicing Imago Therapy
Since the remainder of this chapter and really the rest of the book is more directly aimed at practicing Imago therapy, I will shift gears and find other topics for these weekly blogs. (If you have topics you would like me to explore please feel free to let me know.) The authors conclude this chapter with 10 therapeutic principles that guide Imago Relationship Therapists and for the authors (and for me) they are non-negotiable. I won’t go into them all but guess what number one is? Safety!!
Skipping to #10 “Imago therapists work collaboratively with couples to generate small behavior changes.” This idea is not new – i.e. Rome wasn’t built in a day, etc. I generally ask couples to commit to 10 sessions, roughly three months, if they are going to work with me. They are not going to change 1 or 5 or 10 years in one session. Couples need time to learn to be with each other differently and I remind them that there will be ups and downs in the process. In other words, there will be and needs to be small behavior changes along the way. It won’t all happen in one day.
A Great Analogy
Here is a great analogy for that; the analogy happened purely by chance. My mother-in-law lives with us in an apartment that is adjacent to my office. In the past, because she had a large table in her craft room with a west-facing window, I would use her table to grow seedlings for our garden. This year, I lost that real estate to her passion for doing jigsaw puzzles. The only other west-facing window that would be practical for growing anything, is in my office, so I brought a bookcase in and put a flat of leek seedlings on the top shelf.
A Symbol of Growth
Those leek seedlings have turned out to be a great symbol of growth in a relationship. Growth takes time and week by week, clients see the small changes that have taken place. Right now the seedlings are about an inch high but I remind clients, I have a row of leeks in our garden from last year, which I will harvest next week, that are a foot tall and inches wide. What a great analogy for growth in a relationship. One fellow wanted to put his name on a little seedling in the corner, “that’s me”, he said. I figured I could put name tags on all of them.
I was explaining to my sister what a great symbol the leeks have become of how relationships grow and she chimed in with, “Yes, but someone has to take care of them.” Which I hadn’t thought of, but it is so true. If I don’t water those leeks, especially as seedlings, they won’t survive. Right now, she said, you are the gardener. But as couples move on, they will need to tend their relationship carefully for it to not just survive but to thrive. Without meaning to, moving the leeks to the office has become a great visual for the importance of small behavior changes and the necessity of being conscious about taking good care of a relationship.
