Let’s discuss the Importance of Safety in a conscious relationship.
Safety = Pleasure
This seems like a fairly obvious equation, but a part of our culture distrusts if things are too good. We have sayings like, it is too good to be true, wait for the next shoe to drop, or knock on wood. NO, the more you pleasure your partner, the safer it becomes.
When working with couples, I have couples complete two crucial exercises when the time feels right. I tell them, for me, this is the most important part of the program we have embarked on. Why? Well generally, when couples come into the office, they are there because things are not going well. And yes, they have to learn to deal with that. But where I want them, and you, to live the rest of your lives is when they feel safe and that is where I introduce the safety = pleasure equation.
Office Work
In the office, I have couples flood each other with positives. The physical, the psychological and the behaviours that one partner appreciates about the other. They end with positive global statements like “You are the best person in the whole world”, “I love you”, etc. The point is to SAY nice things to each other because the more nice things you hear from your partner the safer it becomes. My old brain can relax; this is not the enemy over there; it is my friend, my ally; we are on the same team. I encourage couples to give their partner at least three appreciations or affirmations daily.
Homework
Then, for homework, I ask them to complete another exercise. This is about DOING nice things to/for each other. Typically, when couples visit the office, they might not feel very close. If they have been married for 10 years. I don’t want to wait 10 years for them to get those positive feelings back. Is there a way to jump-start that process? Yes, there is. I have them draw up three lists.
3 Lists
- List of things their partner is doing right now that make them feel loved and cared for
- Deeds their partner did for them during the romantic love stage of the relationship, and perhaps are not doing now.
- A list of secret desires. These are things they have always wanted but never asked for. If they have asked for them and not received them it goes on a different list – of frustrations. they might or might not have anything for this list.
After drawing up the three lists, they then exchange their lists. Their partner can scratch out anything he or she might not want to do presently. Hopefully, each partner will be left with a list of 5, 10, or more things, they will do to make their partner feel loved and cared for. They really can’t go wrong. The caveat is, that I need them to do one or two of the items on the list each day whether they feel like it or not.
Here is where I often get pushback. I counter with: “Do you always feel like going to work?” Often the answer is no, and I ask, “Do you go?” and usually the answer is yes. Even though they don’t feel like going to work, they go because they know they will get fired, or have a mortgage to pay, etc. If partners don’t feel close, they won’t act lovingly. I need them to act differently towards each other. They need to change the dynamic in the space between by removing anything negative and refilling that space with positives.
Know that the more nice things you do and say to your partner daily, the safer it becomes. Safety is a key element in a conscious relationship, where each partner is free to be his or her unique self. SAYING nice things to each other and DOING nice things for each other daily is a great start on the safety = pleasure equation.
