Last year, I wrote The Relationship Coach, Your Playbook for Unlocking the Combination to a Successful Relationship. taking insights from Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt’s 2019 edition of Getting the Love You Want,
“In this book, I use the analogy of a combination lock to explore the four different aspects of a great relationship. Obviously, if you know the correct combination, it is much easier to open a lock. Similarly, four key elements pave the way to a successful relationship: The Space-Between, Safety, the Safe Conversation Process, and the Imago System. All four need to be present before your relationship will grow into the relationship you truly want.” (p.xiii)
Introduction
In the Introduction, I explain that I really do see myself more as a coach rather than as a therapist or counselor. Therapy and counseling seem pretty heavy, like there is something wrong with you. Whereas, as a coach, typically there is nothing wrong with my players, but sometimes what they are doing just isn’t working as well as they would like. I think the same is true of relationships. For sure we are all bent out of shape a bit, but generally there is nothing fundamentally wrong with my couples, but often what they are doing isn’t working as well as they would like.
The Coach’s Job
A coach’s job is to simplify so that all the players know what to do at any given time. The Relationship Coach simplifies what Harville and Helen have explained in Getting the Love You Want.
And what do we all want in our relationship? I believe there are at least three key markers. We all want:
- “To feel safe. Certainly, you want physical safety, but I am thinking of psychological and emotional safety; you need to know that there are no arrows coming, that you are not going to get zinged.
- To feel connected: You want to know that you can just hang out with your partner and be comfortable.
- To feel fully alive: This need includes fun, intimacy, passion, joy, and laughter. It is what small children exhibit, as we all did, when we first arrived on Planet Earth.” (p.xvi)
In the book, I have couples rate their relationship on a scale of one to ten, ten being the best and one not so good, in those three areas? How would you rate your relationship right now?
I believe you can be at a nine or ten consistently, but if you did rate your relationship below a nine, hopefully this playbook can help you create the kind of relationship you truly want and deserve. Next week I’ll look at the first piece of the combination lock: The Space-Between.
