Join the Relationship Revolution!
In the Afterword of their book Making Marriage Simple 10 Relationship Saving Truths, Harville and Helen throw in 5 more ‘truths’ as a bonus. Last week I looked at the first of these ‘truths’, Healthy Marriages are the Ultimate Upstream Prevention, an idea I have espoused for years. Today I want to look at #2 Healthy Relationships Create Strong Individuals and #3 Couplehood as a Spiritual Path.
#2 Healthy Relationships Create Strong Individuals
Let’s face it, none of us is perfect! True? We are all “bent out of shape” a bit – some more than others. In the Imago model we tend to get partnered with someone who will challenge us to grow in areas that are often our weak suit. For example, my partner didn’t get many of her feelings, and emotional needs met as a child. Whom does she marry? Someone who, at the start wasn’t able to meet those needs very well either; but as I stretched to meet her very legitimate feeling needs, I grew myself; I became stronger.
I quote the authors at length here because I think they say it well. In a quantum universe everything is in relationship – atom to atom, molecule to molecule, planet to planet, galaxy to galaxy. Nothing is in isolation, including the self.
Born in Relationship
Here is what they have to say: “For years, it was believed that to become a strong individual you needed to focus on caring for yourself. … We disagree. We believe that we discover who we are in relationship, not in isolation. We are born in relationship. We are wounded in relationship. We are healed in relationship. We cannot know or become who we are except in relationship. Essentially, we are our relationships. And the most powerful relationship for self-discovery and transformation is our primary love relationship. It is within this context that you can actually rewire your brain, shifting how you think and feel.
A Paradigm Shift
We are not alone in this belief. A subtle shift is rippling across the globe. One that moves us from a focus on the individual to a focus on the relationship. It is a paradigm shift from the self as center, to the relationship as center. As the boundaries that separate states and even countries become more porous, we have come to realize that we not only can’t escape each other – we actually need each other.
More and more people are recognizing that we are wired for connection. That makes the key question: How can we be in healthy connection? … It is about committing to create a healthy relationship, in order to mature as an individual.” (pp.139-140)
Because we are all imperfect, as you stretch to meet your partner’s needs, you grow yourself; you become stronger. Healthy relationships do indeed create strong individuals.
Truth #3 Couplehood as a Spiritual Path
The third of the 5 additional ‘truths’ is Couplehood as a spiritual path. While the authors don’t use this language, they really are, I think focusing on a critical distinction in Western Christian thought. With few exceptions, Christian theology, for centuries, has been mostly a redemption theology focusing on Original Sin and the need for salvation. The world is seen as divided into separate realms – the sacred and the secular. Holiness and redemption, tended to be seen as a shunning of the secular and a focus on the sacred.
My Personal Example
Here is a great example. My wife and I traveled to Ireland to visit good friends. Among other places, the escorted us to Skellig Michael, the site of an old Irish monastery (inhabited by monks from around 400 A.D. to roughly 1300 or 1400 A.D.) sitting on top of a rock in the middle of the wild Atlantic Ocean, where the monks retreated to better love God. If the world, was believed to be flat, and they built their monastery on the top of a small island 12 miles west of Ireland, they were pretty well on the edge of the known world, about as far away from the secular as they could get.
Another tradition, the Creation Spirituality tradition, also has roots in Christian history. Although not as well known or accepted as the redemption model. The author I’m most familiar with popularizing this tradition is Matthew Fox, who wrote the book Original Blessing (as opposed to Original Sin) some 40 years ago.
Our universe has been around for 13.8 billion years and in the Creation Spirituality tradition, it is seen as ‘good’, ‘holy’, and ‘blessed’. Creation Spirituality challenges us to make the ordinary holy and to understand that God speaks to us through every happening. All we have to work with is this day, every day. The way to the sacred is within the secular not separated from it.
The Creation Spirituality Model
I believe the Creation Spirituality model is what Harville and Helen are espousing when they say:
“Many go on retreat by themselves to deepen their spiritual lives, which takes them out of their relationship. It’s a great thing to do, and we have no quarrel with it. There’s another way to evolve as a spiritual being. One that’s closer to home, because you actually stay at home. It is by developing your capacity to authentically love an “other”. Let’s face it, feeling at peace is easy when removed from the everyday burdens of life. That’s why people go on vacation.
… For this reason, we say that one of the greatest spiritual paths is staying put in your relationship and learning how to really love your partner, warts and all. When you can validate your partner’s experience and express empathy – even when their experience makes absolutely no sense to you.
Relationship as Spiritual Practice
Elevating your relationship to this status transforms the Imago Process into a spiritual practice. Like meditation and prayer, Dialogue slows you down, quiets your mind, and invites you to put aside those same old thoughts you obsessively think about over and over again. …
The Divine is waiting to show up in the Space Between.
The Sacred Space created feels hallowed to you both.
Walking the path of a conscious marriage may not be easy, but it is truly a way to experience Heaven on earth. And you can always call on your Faith to give you strength. Learning to truly love each other will feel so good to you both, and the resulting sense of wonder will spill over into every other area of your life.” (p.141`-142)
Couplehood as Spiritual Path
Couplehood can indeed be a spiritual path.
Next week the last two relationship-saving truths: #4 Marriage isn’t a disease to be treated – it’s the cure and #5 Relationship education must be supported and made available to everyone. See you next week.
