The title of this chapter camouflages a more serious philosophical question: as humans, who are we really? Harville’s contention is that:
“At our core is JOY. It is our essential nature – with us from the moment of birth.
Birds have flocks. Dogs have packs. Horses have herds. And humans are wired for connection.
Connection and joy are two sides of the same coin. You can’t experience joy without being peacefully connected. We believe that you were meant to live in this original, blissful, JOY!”(pp.111-112)
The Science of Joy
There is a lot of science to back up the importance of having fun. The one study I am most familiar with is the 85+ year study out of Harvard University on happiness. It concludes that “warm, supportive, and close relationships are the single most important predictor of long term health and happiness, surpassing money, fame and IQ.” It is impossible to laugh and be defended at the same time.
How to Kill Joy
Harville goes on to point out two surefire ways to kill joy:
- “Expect your partner to know what you feel, want, and need (without ever telling them); and/or
- Assume that you know how your partner feels and what they want (without ever asking them).”(p.113)
“But if mind reading, expecting, and assuming are not the things to do – what should we do? ASK! Instead of assuming, you have to ask your partner what gives them pleasure. Then really listen to what your partner says, and give them what they ask for. And they need to do the same for you.” (p.113)
The Caring Behaviour Exercise
Often when couples come into the office they don’t feel very connected (or joyful). If they have been married for 5 or 10 years I don’t want them to have to wait 5 or 10 years to start feeling close again. The Caring Behaviour Exercise is an attempt to jump start the process of being connected. Everyone feels love in a different way. It is my responsibility to let my partner know what works for me; she can’t read my mind.
The exercise at the end of the chapter encourages the reader to write down all the behaviours their partner does for them that feel most caring. They can be things they are already doing or things you would like them to do. Then post the lists where you can see them every day and start doing what is on the list. Always start with the easiest ones but do one or two a day whether you feel like it or not. You are refilling the Space-Between with positives and moving your relationship in the direction of JOY and CONNECTION.
