We are continuing our journey of moving a relationship from the unconscious, old brain, reactive modality to the conscious, new brain, and intentional modality. Along that path, there are many concepts that conscious partners incorporate into their relationship.
- Being conscious means taking responsibility for (only) their own behaviour and allowing room for their partner’s flawed behaviours by not taking them personally, as they are not personal.
- They need to be sensitive to their different needs for space and togetherness.
- Being conscious means taking responsibility for (only) their own behaviour and allowing room for their partner’s flawed behaviours by not taking them personally, as they are not personal.
16. Taking Responsibility
Alfred Adler has the great saying: “Have the courage to be imperfect.” None of us is perfect; not you, not my partner and certainly not me. My job is to do the best I can with my stuff – my behaviours, my attitude, my responses, etc. Remember statement #11: In a conscious relationship, “They can assume that their partner’s intentions are good, even if their behaviour is not.” If my partner does something that doesn’t work, I am not going to take that personally; she, like me, is not perfect, and that will show up in the relationship at times, and then we can sort it out.
Richard Carlson wrote the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and Its All Small Stuff which I think is a healthy reminder for any relationship. He wrote another book, although I don’t recall the name, but in it he asks the question: Do you ever get in a bad mood? Most of us would probably answer yes. He goes on to say; well let your partner have a bad mood too. In other words, don’t take it personal because it is not personal.
17. Being Sensitive
- They need to be sensitive to their different needs for space and togetherness.
Every couple has to figure this one out. One place I suggest folks go for help here is the Myers-Briggs Type Inventory. The MBTI is a personality profile that has been around since the 1960’s. The authors identify 16 personality types based on four dichotomies: Introversion/Extraversion; Sensing/Intuition; Thinking/Feeling and Judging/Perceiving. The energy around these dichotomies is very real and understanding your “preferences” (and your partner’s) can help you understand how you interact in the world and with each other.
Introvert or Extrovert
In thinking about the different needs for space and time, understanding the Introversion/ Extroversion difference is helpful. The authors of the Myers-Briggs, in explaining introversion and extraversion, ask the question – What do you do to get your energy back? Introverts need alone time; extraverts need time with others.
I am high on the introvert scale, but obviously, when I am working with clients or giving a workshop, I can extrovert. But when it comes time to re-energise, I need alone time. As a couple, it is helpful to know how each of you handles the different needs for space and togetherness, and the introversion/extraversion preference can help here. It doesn’t make one right and the other wrong, but the energy is rea,l and it will show up in your relationship.
