Diving back in What Conscious Partners Know from Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between
Number 9, 10, and 11
- They come together to participate in the sometimes painful, sometimes joyful dance of romantic partnership, and they know why.
- That anxiety gets aroused between them. How to take steps to prevent negative emotions from taking hold.
- They can assume that their partner’s intentions are good, even if their behavior is not.
Number 9
- They come together to participate in the sometimes painful, sometimes joyful dance of romantic partnership, and they know why.
The key point here, I think, is ‘they know why’. Returning to #5 ‘The conscious agenda of their relationship is to meet the unmet childhood needs they each brought into their relationship.’ Harville’s key insight was that the Imago (the Latin word for image) which kids form of their primary caretakers, the person who loves me, takes care of me, meets all my needs, inevitably has both positive and negative traits.
Why? Because none of us is perfect. Your parents weren’t perfect, you are not perfect, I am not perfect. So, we all have needs that weren’t met 100% the first time around. In a more conscious relationship, partners understand this but still choose to participate together in the sometimes painful, sometimes joyful dance of romantic partnership. My addition to this – as time goes on the painful parts show up less and less (because you have learned how to fix them) and the joyful bits, show up more and more.
Number 10
- That anxiety gets aroused between them, and how to take steps to prevent negative emotions from taking hold.
Because none of us is perfect, there will always be things that need to be talked about when anxiety gets aroused, and it will. The key is to talk in a way that prevents negative emotions from taking over, which means using the Intentional Dialogue process. The Safe Conversation process takes things out of the power struggle which tends to be, I am right and you are wrong. The mirroring part of the dialogue simply makes sure you are hearing what your partner is saying. It doesn’t make them right and you wrong. The validation step lets you understand where your partner is coming from when they did or said whatever it was that triggered the anxiety.
The Objection to Difference
Last week I mentioned that most issues arise from the objection to difference. Your partner is different from you, and in a conscious relationship you want to move from judgment to curiosity. It doesn’t make them right and you wrong, it is just what is going on for them. I assure my couples, your friends probably aren’t doing this, as it is a very structured way to communicate. It takes intentionality and consciousness, but using the Safe Conversation Process will forestall negative emotions from taking over.
Take the Initiative
One of you needs to take the initiative and say something like: Here is what I heard you say, did I get it? Or let me mirror you, or can you just mirror back what you heard me say. The key is to begin practicing using the Intentional Dialogue Process and when you solve something, even if it is fairly simple, you will begin to trust the process and know that, yes, you can talk with your partner about anything in a safe way. No negative emotions will get triggered.
Number 11
- They can assume that their partner’s intentions are good, even if their behavior is not.
This is a key one, but very important. If my partner does something that doesn’t work for us, I know that her intentions were good, even though it didn’t work out the way we both wanted. Using the Safe Conversation process we can then discuss ways to do whatever it was differently.
