0 Negativity is the last piece of the combination lock to having the relationship of your dreams. The first four pieces are:
- The past affects the present
- Safety – your lower brain/brain stem
- The Safe Conversation Process – mirroring, validation and empathy
- The Space Between
In a conscious relationship you want to commit to eliminating ALL negativity – 0negativity – from the Space Between – no blame, shame or criticism – either
intentional or accidental. Negativity is defined as any “put down” or any
transaction that ruptures the connection between partners. AND, this is
important, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if a transaction
is negative. I could say I was just kidding, but if it hurts my partner, I need to
change. I don’t want to hurt my partner the way she was as a kid or any other
way, so if I say or do something, or act in a way that is not helpful, I need to
The tricky piece here is couples have to find a way to indicate to their partner
that a rupture has occurred, without getting their partner’s back up – without either person getting defensive. It could be a hand signal or a word or phrase that is neutral, that you both agree would be acceptable – ouch, offsides, roughing, that didn’t work, can we do a retake on that, you are in the wrong lane – some indication that one person felt some negativity. Try a phrase or word for a week and see if it works; if not, try s different signal.
At the beginning check in at the end of the day to see if either of you experienced anything negative and let your partner know. As you become better at it, you can do a redo immediately. The goal is to keep the Space Between free of all negativity – forever. If you want to measure the quality of your relationship, I good place to start might be the safety in the Space Between.