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John Sullivan Counselling

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

P: 519-966-1408   C: 226-346-2503
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0 Negativity

0 Negativity is the last piece of the combination lock to having the relationship of your dreams. The first four pieces are:

  1. The past affects the present
  2. Safety – your lower brain/brain stem
  3. The Safe Conversation Process – mirroring, validation and empathy
  4. The Space Between

In a conscious relationship you want to commit to eliminating ALL negativity – 0negativity – from the Space Between – no blame, shame or criticism – either
intentional or accidental. Negativity is defined as any “put down” or any
transaction that ruptures the connection between partners. AND, this is
important, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if a transaction
is negative. I could say I was just kidding, but if it hurts my partner, I need to
change. I don’t want to hurt my partner the way she was as a kid or any other
way, so if I say or do something, or act in a way that is not helpful, I need to
change.

The tricky piece here is couples have to find a way to indicate to their partner
that a rupture has occurred, without getting their partner’s back up – without either person getting defensive. It could be a hand signal or a word or phrase that is neutral, that you both agree would be acceptable – ouch, offsides, roughing, that didn’t work, can we do a retake on that, you are in the wrong lane – some indication that one person felt some negativity. Try a phrase or word for a week and see if it works; if not, try s different signal.

At the beginning check in at the end of the day to see if either of you experienced anything negative and let your partner  know. As you become better at it, you can do a redo immediately. The goal is to keep the Space Between free of all negativity – forever. If you want to measure the quality of your relationship, I good place to start might be the safety in the Space Between.

Filed Under: Blog

Relationship Issues

The Space Between – Wonderful/Challenges

In the 2018 edition of Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix and his wife, Helen LaKelly Hunt, place more emphasis on the Space Between than in their earlier books. This shift in emphasis comes from their study of quantum physics, which tells us, everything in the universe is simply energy and it is all […]

Frustrations and the Behavior Change Request Dialogue

One of the hardest pieces for couples to deal with in Imago Relationship therapy is the frustrations with their partner.  Frustrations tend to be at the point of the impasse – what your partner wants from you the most is what gets the most resistance from you. Remember, Imago theory states that a person will […]

Free Masterclass – REMINDER!

REMINDER!  FREE MASTERCLASS “Create Your Dream Relationship” on Zoom with The Relationship Wizard Thursday, March 25, 2021, 1-2 pm    Click HERE to register! On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the best and 1 not so good, how would you rate your relationship? My business card states: The tools are available […]

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About The Coach

That's how he likes to think of himself - a coach. John Sullivan won't fix your relationship. He gives you the tools to help you build permanent and lasting connections and a deeper intimacy with those in your life.

Services

  • Marriage Counselling – Windsor
  • Couples Therapy – Windsor
  • Relationship Coaching – Windsor
  • Imago Therapy

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Contact

P: 519-966-1408 C: 226-346-2503 john@johnsullivancounselling.com
Hours - Mon-Fri 9am to 8pm
Sat. 9am to 5pm

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