To be quite honest, the concept of the Space-Between has been the most helpful insight for my work with clients in the past 5 or so years. Stewarding the Space-Between, I now believe, is the fastest way forward for any couple. Negativity in the Space-Between causes disconnect and what couples want is connection. When the Space-Between becomes too negative then people avoid. Why would they go into a toxic space?
Understand, first, that the Space-Between is not just an unoccupied area. Let’s explore Chapter 7.
The Space-Between in relation to the Universe
“Think of that Space-Between you and everyone else in relation to the spaces in the universe itself. When we look up at the night sky, we’re looking into outer space. It was long believed that the Space-Between heavenly bodies was empty, but then astrologers discovered that powerful energy fields exist between them that influence what they become. …
The same holds true for the Space-Between you and those with whom you interact. Yes, it may be invisible, and it may appear to be empty, but this relational space is also replete with energy that determines the quality of your relationships with family, friends, coworkers, and anyone in your sphere. The fact is that your life takes place in the Space-Between you and everyone with whom you connect.” (p.128)
Tension in the Space-Between
When I ask couples if they can tell when there is tension in the Space-Between them, they all recognize it immediately. The Space-Between is either tension free or it is not. There is no middle ground.
“The Space-Between is not a metaphor or a psychological construct; it is something that exists between all of us. It is ontological – an unchangeable feature of reality. You can influence the quality of the field and determine whether it is positive or negative by what you think, do, and say to others.” (p.130)
The question then becomes, what are you putting into that energy field?
Living in the Past or Toward The Future
“We all live from the past toward the future, and our brains are primed to anticipate that whatever happened in the past could happen in the future.” (p.127) And remember, our brain has a negativity bias. The key is to become conscious, to become aware; your energy follows your attention. And we have control over where we focus our energy.
Safe Conversation Process
In the office, the structure of the Safe Conversation process gives two people a safe way to communicate in their Space-Between. The structure ensures safety because it takes conversations out of the power struggle which tends to be: I am right and you are wrong. If it can help in the office, surely the Safe Conversation process can help in any communication because it keeps you from being reactive or defensive. A good rule of thumb is: when you feel defensive, mirror, which is the first element of the Safe Conversation process.
Interestingly enough, in recent decades, the field of neuroscience has had two breakthroughs relevant to the Space-Between you and those with whom you engage. The first was the understanding that our brain is much more malleable than previously thought. The process is called ‘neuroplasticity’, “which allows our brains to reorganize their structure and how they function”. (p.133) “The second was the discovery that our brains are social – meaning they are shaped and reshaped by your experiences in the natural environment but also most profoundly in your relationships, especially with those closest to you.” (p.133)
Given all this information, how can we be more positive in what we think, say, and do to others? The authors suggest shifting from judgment to wonder and curiosity.
Shifting from Judgement to Curiosity
“Being judgmental stems from the self-defeating attitude we discussed in previous chapters – the unwillingness or failure to accept differences between you and others. As we noted before, accepting difference is one of the greatest challenges we all face in trying to engage productively with other humans. Why? Because we are all imperfect specimens.” (p. 135) …
“Remember that difference is the defining feature of nature. When you embrace the differences in others, you open your life to new possibilities. They may also become curious about you rather than judgmental. We are champions of welcoming our differences with others to invite collaboration, cooperation, and cocreation into the Space-Between.” (p.136)
Next week Chapter 8 Safe Conversations Work in Every Aspect of Life
