Over time, the authors realized the practice of affirmations was missing from the Safe Conversation Process. They had the Safe Conversation dialogue in place, along with empathy with everyone and zero negativity.
“But as we interviewed clients about how the Safe conversation process was working for them, we learned that it was not enough to be compassionate and avoid negativity. Many felt it was important to add a skill that put the conversation and relationships on a positive track. …
Our clients wanted a skill that could be applied to make the person with a differing view feel genuinely valued and affirmed, and, thus, safe to interact with. …
The idea was to let those we disagree with on some points know that they didn’t have to agree with us to be valued. … With that in mind, we decided to add affirmation as a fourth skill of the SC Process.” (pp.108/109)
The Difference
They make a distinction between affirmations and appreciations “An appreciation is a positive response to what someone has done. An affirmation is acknowledging that someone is worthy of recognition and value, not because of what they have done but because they exist. … It is the acknowledgment of someone’s intrinsic value.” (p.111)
Harville & Helen on Affirmations
Both Harville and Helen then share personal stories of how they had been affected by words of affirmation. On reflection, two very personal examples came to mind for me. The first, was when I applied to study with Harville at the Imago Institute in New York. There was an eligibility criterion that I didn’t meet. I am not sure what it was at this point, but as I was talking on the phone to the secretary I basically decided I was going to withdraw my application. She, and to this day, I do not know who she was, stopped me and said: “Go ahead and apply anyway, you will be great.”
And here I am 35 years later. The second was when I was asked to coach the St. Clair College Saints hockey team. I had coached high school and minor hockey but never thought of myself as coaching at the college level. In both of these examples, the persons responsible for those decisions, saw way more in me that I did in myself at the time. They were acknowledging my “intrinsic value” and by doing that helped me to trust my own worth more.
The authors end this chapter with the admonishment; know that “your words matter in ways that you cannot imagine.” (p.118) They also make the point that you can demonstrate affirmations not just with words but through actions, which can be even more powerful that words.
Next week we get into the first chapter of Part 3 of their book – The Space-Between.
