We have all heard the statement: It’s not what you say but how you say it, that is important and for sure that is true. The tone of voice or the loudness we use with our partner can make a difference. In this chapter, however, Helen is challenging us to explore how we talk to our partner in a broader context.
She starts the chapter with: “Before we can take on all this healing, however, we HAVE to learn a new way to talk. What’s the old way? It’s what humans have been doing since the dawn of time. It’s called monologue; where one person at a time is talking but no one is really listening.
Parallel Monologue
When couples do it, it’s called parallel monologue. Two people talking. No one listening.” (p.60
You can verify this by paying attention to how you and your partner communicate, especially when there is a disagreement in the air. Often, one person is talking while the other is marshalling their counter-arguments, or both are talking at the same time and neither is really listening.
The breakthrough for Harville and Helen came early in their relationship when they were arguing and she finally simply said to Harville: “Could we please take turns?” and he, surprisingly, agreed. From that developed what we know now as the Safe Conversation Process which is a “structured way of talking and listening that builds connection between you and your partner. It is this connection that enables you to heal your childhood wounds”. (P. 60) Why? Because it is safe; the structure of the Safe Conversation Process ensures safety and as we have seen, healing only takes place in safety.
The Safe Conversation Process
So what is the Safe Conversation Process? It is a three step process which can be awkward at first but allows both you and your partner to be really heard and validated. It takes issues out of the power struggle which tends to be “I am right and you are wrong”.
Mirroring
The first step is MIRRORING. I simply mirror back to my partner what they have said so they know I am really listening and have heard them accurately. It is a flat mirror, no additions, no subtractions. Here is what I heard you say, did I get it? And your partner will let you know; that is exactly what I said or here is a piece you missed.
Validation
The second step, VALIDATION lets your partner know that what they said makes sense from their point of view. You don’t have to agree with them but they have their own perspective. The validation step takes issues out of the right/wrong of the power struggle.
Empathy
The third step of the Safe Conversation Process is EMPATHY whereby you acknowledge how your partner might be feeling.
A common complaint about the Safe Conversation Process is that it takes too much time. Helen challenges us to think of the alternative: “How long does it take to have an argument? And then recover from it?”(p.68)
The exercise at the end of the chapter encourages readers to practice the Safe Conversation Process both randomly and at set times. She suggests starting with an appreciation about your partner or sharing something about your day at work. And Remember: In Dialogue agreement is not the goal. The goal is to take turns and really listen to each other.
