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John Sullivan Counselling

Marriage Counselling and Couples Therapy

P: 519-966-1408   C: 226-346-2503
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Zero Negativity

Zero Negativity is the last piece of the combination lock to having the relationship of your dreams.

The first four Keys to the Lock are:

  1. The past affects the present
  2. Safety – your lower brain/brain stem
  3. The Safe Conversation Process – mirroring, validation and empathy
  4. The Space Between

Eliminate All Negativity

In a conscious relationship you want to commit to eliminating ALL negativity – 0negativity – from the Space Between. No blame, shame or criticism – either intentional or accidental. Negativity is defined as any “put down” or any transaction that ruptures the connection between partners. AND, this is important, it is the person on the receiving end who determines if a transaction is negative. I could say I was just kidding, but if it hurts my partner, I need to change. I don’t want to hurt my partner the way she was as a kid or any other
way, so if I say or do something, or act in a way that is not helpful, I need to change.

The tricky piece here is couples have to find a way to indicate to their partner that a rupture has occurred, without getting their partner’s back up – without either person getting defensive. It could be a hand signal or a word or phrase that is neutral, that you both agree would be acceptable – ouch, offsides, roughing, that didn’t work, can we do a retake on that, you are in the wrong lane – some indication that one person felt some negativity. Try a phrase or word for a week and see if it works; if not, try s different signal.

At the beginning check in at the end of the day to see if either of you experienced anything negative and let your partner  know. As you become better at it, you can do a redo immediately. The goal is to keep the Space Between free of all negativity – forever. If you want to measure the quality of your relationship, I good place to start might be the safety in the Space Between.

Filed Under: Blog

Relationship Issues

What Conscious Partners Know: 24 and 25

This week, we’re exploring What Conscious Partners Know: 24 and 25 They need to acknowledge each other’s “otherness”, accept each other’s differences, affirm each other’s reality, adore each other’s traits, and advocate for each other’s reality and potential. They must differentiate before they can connect, so they accept each other as an “other” and accept […]

What Conscious Partners Know – 22 and 23

Continuing on with What Conscious Partners Know – Chapters 22 and 23 Connecting is sustained by intentionality, so they speak with a positive tone and use only appreciative or neutral words in all transactions, which helps them feel connected most of the time. The sign of a thriving relationship is how quickly partners engage in […]

Appreciations: Harville and Helen

I have said this before but I think it is worth repeating:  I truly believe the fastest way forward for any couple is to protect the Space-Between them. It is a real energy field, and you can tell, can’t you, when there is tension in the Space-Between? It is either tension-free or it is not. […]

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About The Coach

That's how he likes to think of himself - a coach. John Sullivan won't fix your relationship. He gives you the tools to help you build permanent and lasting connections and a deeper intimacy with those in your life.

Services

  • Marriage Counselling – Windsor
  • Couples Therapy – Windsor
  • Relationship Coaching – Windsor
  • Imago Therapy

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P: 519-966-1408 C: 226-346-2503 john@johnsullivancounselling.com
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